Big Bad Hinata
by Kagezuchi
Summary: We know Hinata as that sweet shy girl, but what if she had a Big Bad alter ego buried deep within? This parody explores the possibilities! Featuring Stoner Itachi! Quite a bit of OOC!
1. Big Bad Hinata!

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any characters affiliated with Naruto. 

NOTES: I write this silly stuff when I am suffering from writer's block. Actually, I wrote this a long time ago on the forums at the now-defunct narutoinfo website. However, a month ago, someone emailed me, saying they had the story saved on his hard drive, and he was wondering if I wanted it. I got the chapters, of course, and now, I guess I'll put them up here on

BTW, if you're wondering about Butterflies, I get to it when I can, but the progress is minimal at the moment. It's the same problem as always: writer's block. Actually, my version of writer's block usually isn't mental; it's always caused by other factors, mostly exhaustion. Between school, work, and life in general, I just don't have the energy to come up with a satisfactory level of writing. Avid readers might have noticed that I've written virtually all of Butterflies' chapters during the winter and summer, when there's no regularly-scheduled schooling.

So, when winter comes around again, progress on Butterflies will probably pick back up again. Until then, you probably should not expect more than one new Butterflies chapter from me. :(

Either way, I hope you like this juvenile humor. It is drastically OOC. You have been warned!

CHAPTER BEGINS

One morning, while Hinata was brushing her teeth, she decided that enough was enough. She was tired of being the nice little girl who everyone pushed around. No, today, she was going to be a different person. She was going to change, just like Naruto-kun had done. She was not going to be a wimp. She was going to be a winner!   
Her father yelled from downstairs, "Hinata! Did you clean up your room?"   
"Y-y-yes, I did!"   
"You better have, you useless weakling!"   
Hinata did not reply, as a vein throbbed inside her forehead. F8ck this, she said to herself, as her eyes strayed over to her father's toothbrush, which was sitting before her on the sink. She then giggled evilly as she picked up her dad's toothbrush and swished it around inside the toilet bowl. "Hee hee hee! I'm so naughty! Hope your breath is minty fresh, pops! Hee hee hee!"   
"Hey Hinata!" Her little bratty sister, Hanabi, was at the bathroom door. "What are you doing?!"   
"I-I-I'm cleaning dad's toothbrush," Hinata replied in her quavering voice. "Wh-wh-what does it look like I'm doing, you stupid b-b-bitch?!"   
Hanabi gasped at her older sister's bad language. "Oh my god, you swore! And you're doing something bad to dad's toothbrush! I'm telling on you!"   
"Toilet water tastes good though. Honest!"   
"It does?"   
"Yes, it does!" Hinata then grabbed her sister and dunked her head into the bowl. "See?! It tastes good, doesn't it!"   
Her little sister gurgled, "Glaargh!"   
Hinata let her sister struggle for a couple moments, then she pulled her out of the bowl. "So, you gonna tell pops or not?"   
The terrified Hanabi shook her head. "No! I won't tell, I promise!"   
"Better not. Bitch." Hinata dropped her sister. "Tell dad that I'm going out to train with my teammates."

* * *

As Hinata walked out of her house, she noticed that cranky cousin of hers, Neji, sitting off to the side. She called out, "Hi Neji! How are you feeling today?"Neji blinked at her unexpected greeting. Usually Hinata just avoided him whenever she could. "Uh, I'm feeling fine, Hinata-sama."   
"Oh, I see..." Hinata activated the Caged Birdie Seal on his forehead. "Well then, how you feeling now, BITCH?!"   
"Aaaargh!" Neji was rolling on the ground, holding his head in agony. "Stop it! Please stop!"   
"Oh fine, just because you said please." Hinata turned off the seal. "Remember, Neji, you're my bitch. Don't you ever forget that. If you even dare to look at me funny, I'm gonna fry your brain into dried-up little rat turds."   
Neji was too shocked to respond, as Hinata walked off...

* * *

Kiba and Shino were both waiting for her outside the Hyuuga estate. And Kiba called out, "Hey Hinata! What's up?""Nothing much." Hinata sighed. "Hey, let's practice at Training Area #12 today!"   
"No way!" Kiba pointed to himself. "I'm the leader, and I say we practice at Training Area #5!"   
"Oh okay..." Hinata kicked Kiba in the nards. "Whatever you say, leader!"   
"Yowwww!" Kiba rolled around, cradling his nuts while Akamaru yapped angrily at the cackling Hinata. "Hinata, what was that?!"   
Hinata ignored Kiba, mostly because that damned mutt Akamaru was being really annoying. "Shut up, you stupid mutt!"   
"Yap yap yap!"   
"Shut up!" Hinata reared back a leg and booted the howling Akamaru over some nearby power lines. "God damn, I hate dogs."   
The ever quiet Shino looked with concern upon his teammate. "Hinata, are you feeling okay?"   
Hinata answered his question with her own question: "Hey Shino, is that one of your bugs down there on the ground?"   
Shino looked down where she was pointing, and he nodded. "Yes, that is one of my Kikai bugs."   
"Oh okay." Hinata smashed a foot down onto the hapless bug. "Well, he's not one of your Kikai bugs anymore, ya hahahaha!"   
Shino screamed in anguish as he dropped down to his knees next to the fallen insect. "Nooo, you killed Hubert! Hubert, speak to me! Hubert! It's okay, just hang in there, I'll get you to a hospital!"   
While Shino wailed over his downed comrade, Hinata sighed in satisfaction as she looked up to the sky. "You know what. Fuck this training shit. I think I'm gonna go pay a visit to Naruto-kun!" 


	2. Selachophobia

CHAPTER BEGINS!

After her encounter with Kiba and Shino, Hinata was feeling a little bit better now, almost out of her bad mood. So she started to hum to herself, "I wonder where Narutokun is"...

She then saw Naruto's jounin sensei, Kakashi Hatake, walking down the street, head down and reading some book, seemingly unaware of his surroundings. Hinata whispered in that creepy voice like that Darth Vader-sounding rain nin in the Forest of Death: "Luckyyyyyy! Kakashi will know where Narutokun is!"

She then called out in her stammering voice, "Hi, Ka-ka-Kakashisan!"

Without looking up from his book, Kakashi held up a hand in greeting. "Yo. What's up, Hinata?"

"I was just wondering, do you know where Narutokun is?"

"Mmmm." Kakashi nodded as his eye continued to scan the newest volume of Come Come Violence volume. "I believe he is training with Jiraiya at the beach."

"At the beach? Why?"

"Jiraiya likes to train Naruto at the beach because of all the scantily clad women there."

"He does? Ooooh, that dirty old man! How dare he corrupt the mind of my dear dear Narutokun!" Sweet Nice Hinata was starting to morph into Big Bad Hinata now. "If I find that old fart encouraging Narutokun to ogle women other than me, I am gonna pull out all of that old man's hair! And I'll kill and eat his froggy pets too, I'll be like the French and eat their legs with garlic and butter! Yahaha!" She cackled insanely into the suddenly dark sky as thunder clapped high above. "Yahahaha, I'm so evil!"

"Mmm?" Kakashi had not been listening to her. "What was that? You like to eat butter? That's nice."

"Grrr." Big Bad Hinata glowered at the annoying cool and hip Kakashi. "I don't like you! You think you're so cool!"

"Mmm." Kakashi nodded. "That's nice."

"You dirty pervert! I can't believe you read this nasty book in front of everyone! I bet you whack off to porn mags in your spare time!"

"Mmm." Kakashi nodded. "Yes, I do."

"What! Damn it, you're an open pervert?" Hinata stomped her feet, infuriated by her inability to get a rise out of Kakashi. "You smell funny! You have a small penis! Kurenai-sensei thinks you're gay! Gai-sensei thinks you're hot! Tsunade-sama says that she's carrying your child! I HATE YOU!!!"

"Mmm." Kakashi nodded. "That's nice."

"ARRRRR!" Shaking in uncontrollable fury, Hinata scurried over and started to kick dust onto Kakashi's feet. "I h-h-hate you! Waaaah!"

A sobbing Hinata then ran away, and Kakashi finally looked up from his book, sadly shaking his head. "Poor girl. She definitely has some issues."

* * *

Hinata had finally gotten over her crying jag, and as she neared the beach, she was starting to feel bad about herself (big surprise). She really should not have been so mean to Kakashi-san. He was always nice to her whenever they ran into each other, he didn't deserve that sort of treatment... 

"Ok," Hinata said to herself. "From now on, I'll be mean only to people who deserve it!" She thought about all the people she had been mean to so far. "Well, that little brat Hanabi deserved it! That snotty jerk Neji deserved it! That bossy butthead Kiba deserved it! But I guess I should apologize to Shino sometime. He doesn't say anything mean to me. Actually, he doesn't say anything at all, but oh well. Maybe I should buy him a new kikai bug at the pet store - "

Hinata was now walking on the beach, but she suddenly stopped and jumped into the bushes to hide, because she recognized a pair of S-ranked criminals sitting on the sand in the distance! "Oh my god," she gasped. "It's those Akatsuki guys, Itachi and Kisame!"

Clad in swimming trunks, Itachi and Kisame were sitting on a pair of beach towels and under a big umbrella. Kisame was sitting up and nervously hugging a surfboard to himself, while Itachi lay on the ground with a hand rolled cigarette in his mouth. Itachi did not have his Sharingan on, but his eyes were red anyway due to all the pot he had smoked.

"Duuuude," Itachi said in his deadened monotone. "This stuff is way good. I, like, can't feel my hands and stuff."

Kisame nodded, clearly agitated and preoccupied with something else. "Hey Itachi, let's go surf! Together!"

"Whaa?" Itachi was snapping his fingers in front of his bleary eyes. "You wanna surf together? Why?"

Kisame nervously laughed, "It'll be fun! Come on, let's go!"

Itachi was repeatedly patting his face with his hands now. "I don't feel like surfing. You go."

Kisame squeaked, "But I don't want to! It's scary - "

"Hey, you two!" A stern Kurenai, dressed in a red lifeguard bathing suit, walked up to them with her hands on hips. "Uchiha Itachi and Hoshikigi Kisame! What are you two doing here on Konoha Beach??"

"Ahhh." Itachi finally sat up, scratching his head. "I dunno."

"You two are not here to cause trouble like last time, are you??"

"Ahhh, I dunno." Itachi leered at Kurenai's hot body. "You want me to cause some trouble, babe?"

Kurenai sighed, used to the harrassment. "No, I don't. Look, just behave yourselves this time around, okay?"

Itachi asked, "If I do something bad, will you spank me?"

"No, I will not spank you - what's this smell?" Kurenai snatched the joint from Itachi's fingers. "Wait a minute, young man! Is this pot??"

Itachi blearily blinked, wondering where his joint had gone. "Heyyy, where did my joint go - heyyyyyy, give it back!" He reached up with a hand. "Heyyyy, babe, give it back!"

"Sorry, buddy, I'm confiscating this." Kurenai then noticed that Kisame was sitting off to the side, still clutching his surfboard as he nervously bit his nails. "Hey, what's with you? Are you okay?"

Kisame said in a voice alarmingly like Sweet Nice Hinata's: "I-I-I'm okay. I'm gonna go surf, but I'm just a little scared right now, that's all."

Kurenai blinked as she held the joint far away from Itachi's ponderously pawing hands. "Scared? Scared of what?"

Kisame said, "Sharks. I'm afraid of sharks."

"What??" Kurenai was astonished, to say the least. "You're scared of sharks?? No way!"

"I know, I know, it's so stupid, isn't it!" Kisame was openly sobbing now. "No one would ever imagine that a powerful S-ranked criminal and a famous Akatsuki member like me could ever be scared of a shark, right?"

"Well, yeah. I mean, you do look like a - "

Kisame screamed, "It's the eyes! Oh, the eyes! Their eyes are so tiny and round and inhuman! And their teeth! Their pointy sharp killer teeth! So frightening!"

Kurenai blinked at Kisame and his inhuman round eyes and his pointy sharp teeth. "Um, but hold on, what about you - "

"You've watched the movie Jaws, right?"

"Of course."

"Then you know how scary sharks are! Oh god, when I saw Jaws, I then realized that sharks are the coldest merciless killing machines, built only to hunt and kill! Did you know that even their skin can cut flesh?? It scrapes at you, paring your tissue down to the bone! Oh lord, I tell you, sharks are heartless cruel killers, all of them! I hope I never see one ever!"

"Oh, whatever." Kurenai shook her head. "But let me tell one thing. There are no sharks in these waters."

Kisame looked up in hope. "Really? No sharks??"

"There hasn't been a shark sighting in years."

"Oh! Okay then!" Kisame jumped up from the sand with his surfboard in hand. "In that case, surf's up, dude!"

"That's the spirit! Go find a wave to ride on!" Kurenai then grabbed another joint which Itachi had just put to his mouth. "Oh no you don't!"

Itachi whined, "Awww, come on! I got a prescription for this stuff, I swear!"

"Oh really? Let me see it, then."

"Ah... uh... I left it at home."

While Itachi tried to convince Kurenai that his pot stash was legal, Sweet Nice Hinata was saying to herself from the bushes, "Poor Kisame-san! He's so scared of sharks! I really hope he gets over his fear - wait a minute! Narutokun told me that Kisame-san once tried to chop off his leg! Kisame-san has been MEAN to Narutokun!"

Hinata was now Big Bad Hinata. And she growled, "Ahahahaha, so Kisame is afraid of sharks, is he??"

* * *

Ten minutes later, a big crowd of people was standing in a circle around Kurenai and a half-drowned Kisame. Kurenai was busy trying to resuscitate the shark dude, as she called out, "What happened?? Did anyone see what happened??" 

Itachi was standing unsteadily on his feet as he said, "Well, uh, you see, babe, Kisame was, like, swimming out to catch a wave and stuff to surf on, you know, and then he, like, uh, started screaming something about sharks and stuff."

"Sharks??" Kurenai gasped. "He saw a shark out there??"

"I guess so. He was, like, screaming stuff like 'shark shark, ahhh, help me, i'm going to die, ahhhhh!' And he started to thrash around like this," Itachi slowly waved his arms around. "And he was never a good swimmer in the first place, either. Whenever we Akatsuki guys did our swimming drills, he always placed dead last - "

"Hee hee hee!" Hinata jumped into the circle now, and she started to kick sand onto Kisame's face. "Take that, you mean Akatsuki guy! Take that! And that! And that!"

Kurenai gasped. "Hinata! What are you doing??"

"This guy had it coming, Kurenai sensei! He was so mean to Narutokun, he tried to chop off Naruto's leg!"

Kurenai then noticed that Hinata had some scuba equipment and a big rubber dorsal fin underneath her arm. "Hinata! Don't tell me you were posing as a shark just to scare this man half to death! He isn't even breathing right now!"

Hinata cackled, "Yes, it was me! And I don't care if he dies! You hear me, I'm sick and tired of being nice! I was bad, I was bad, I was bad! Hahahaha - "

"BANZAI!" Jiraiya jumped into the circle now, and he leered at the kuniochi lifeguard. "Hello, my dear Kurenai! Are you in need of assistance?"

"Oh." Kurenai rolled her eyes. "Hi, Jiraiya-san. No, I don't need any help."

"Oh, are you sure?" Jiraiya flexed his muscles. "I am Jiraiya, the dashingly handsome and legendary Frog Hermit AND an expert at first aid medical procedures!"

Naruto suddenly barged into the scene, planting a foot into Jiraiya's face. "Shut up, Jiraiya sensei! Stop bothering Kurenai san!"

Jiraiya shouted, "Naruto, you just don't understand what it takes to be a man, do you? When you see a hot woman, you have to announce your presence and ogle her! Like this!" Jiraiya's eyes bugged out at Kurenai's bosoms. "Oooh hoo hoo hoo! Big guns!"

Kurenai rolled her eyes again. "My goodness."

Naruto shouted, "Jiraiya-sensei, you're gross!"

"Oh, come on, Naruto!" Jiraiya gestured to Kurenai's rack. "Don't tell me that you don't find this to be such a wondrous sight!"

Naruto turned beet red as he turned to look at Kurenai's twin mountains. "Well, I... you know, I'm not interested in such things yet... I think..." He swallowed hard. "Well, I guess it isn't so bad - "

A bleated wail from Hinata. "Narutokun!"

"Waaaah!" Naruto fell over when he realized that Hinata was practically standing right next to him. "Hinata! What are you doing here??"

"NARUTOKUN!" Hinata was crying openly now. "You dirty dirty boy, I can't believe you were checking out my teacher, of all people!"

Naruto stammered, "Hinata, wait, I couldn't help it, they're so big - no, wait! That's not what I meant to say - "

"SHUT UP!" Hinata screamed as she threw her scuba gear off Jiraiya's head. "I hate you! You corrupted my dear Narutokun!"

"Ow," Jiraiya rubbed his head. "That kinda hurt."

Hinata hurled her rubber dorsal fin off Kurenai's head now. "And I hate you, Kurenai sensei! How dare you have bigger boobs than I do??"

Kurenai blinked. "Wait, Hinata! You don't understand, I HAVE to wear a bathing suit, that's what lifeguards wear - "

"I don't care! I hate all of you! Except for you, Narutokun. I'm just angry at you right now, that's all."

Kurenai called out to Hinata, but the Hyuuga girl did not listen as she ran away. She accidentally ran into Itachi, and she shouted, "Out of my way!" as she shoved the stoned guy to the ground.

"Heyyyyyyy." Itachi was surprised to find himself sitting on the ground, all of a sudden. "Dude, what's her problem?"

* * *

A madly crying Hinata stomped down the sidewalk, swearing revenge on that nasty old man Jiraiya. She wasn't really mad at Kurenai sensei, after all, it wasn't Kurenai's fault that her boobs were so big. And it certainly wasn't Narutokun's fault, Narutokun was the sweetest boy ever! 

But still, Hinata felt lousy, and she wanted to feel better about herself. As she stomped along her way, she was now saying to herself, "I'll show everyone that I can be a sexy woman, just like Kurenai sensei! I swear, the FIRST boy that I meet on this sidewalk, I will kiss him, ask him out on a date, and then I will seduce him! Yeah, that's what I will do! I'll show everyone that i can be as sexy as anyone - "

"Hey Hinata, what's up?"

"Huh?" Hinata looked up to see that fat ugly guy Akimichi Choji standing in front of her with a can of Pringles in his hands. "Choji?"

"Hey Hinata, you okay? You look like you've been crying."

"Ah, I'm okay, Choji, really, I am!" Hinata ran away before he could say another word. "Bye bye!"

Choji blinked as he stuffed another Pringle into his mouth. "Huh?"

Hinata hurried along, thinking to herself, "Okay, okay, I changed my mind, I swear, the SECOND boy that I meet on this sidewalk, I will kiss him, ask him out on a date, and then I will seduce him! Yeah, that's what I will do!"


	3. A Trip to the Optometrist

CHAPTER BEGINS! 

A teary eyed Hinata had been walking down the sidewalk for ten minutes now. Ten long minutes since Hinata had sworn her solemn oath to kiss and seduce the first person she met on the sidewalk. And she was already thinking of taking the oath back, since she had met three people so far on the sidewalk, and she had found none of them to be attractive in the slightest bit: Choji Akimichi, Tsunade sama's little piglet, and Anko Mitarashi (contrary to some of you peoples' desires, Hinata does not have lesbian tendencies. This is not a hentai fic).

Anyway, Anko was the third person to come across Hinata, and she noticed that Hinata was muttering under her breath, "I can't believe Narutokun did this to me, I can't believe Narutokun did this to me, I can't believe Narutokun did this to me..."

Anko quickly noticed that Hinata's face was blotchy red and tear stained. And with her amazingly keen ninja senses and inutition, Anko immediately concluded: "Red eyes? Tear stained face? She's obviously a victim of a tear gas grenade! No doubt about it!"

Anko knelt down in front of Hinata and asked in as gentle a voice she could muster (Anko's voice was inherently pretty loud): "HEY, WHO DID THIS TO YOU???"

Hinata was scared by the special jounin's bellows, of course. And she only cried harder. "Waaaaah!"

Anko frowned at the Hyuuga girl's plight, and she straightened up with hands on hips. "WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE IN NO CONDITION TO TALK! BUT THAT'S OK, AUNTIE ANKO'S HERE, AND AUNTIE ANKO IS HERE TO TELL WHAT YOU CAN DO TO GET EVEN WITH THE BASTARD WHO DID THIS TO YOU!"

Hinata immediately stopped crying, and she asked hopefully, "Really? What I can do???"

Anko announced, "Well, when someone pisses ME off, I walk up to him and punch him in the face to make myself feel better! How about that???"

Hinata blinked. "Ohhh..." She couldn't imagine herself punching Narutokun in the face, though. She wasn't that mad at him. "But what if I don't want to punch him in the face?"

"Then kick him in the balls and scratch out his eyes!"

"Um... what if I don't want to hurt this person at all?"

"What the fuck! You don't want to hurt this bastard???" Anko frowned. "Are you sure you're mad at him?"

"I'm mad, but I'm not that mad..."

"I see." Anko had to think long and hard about this one. It had never occurred to her that violence might not be a viable solution for a situation or problem... she finally said, "Then I guess you'll just have to punch someone else in the face."

Hinata said, "But who?"

"I dunno. Who cares? The first person you meet on the street?"

"Can I do that???"

"Of course you can! Violence is great! it's rewarding, it's enlightening! Don't let anyone else tell you differently!"

"Ok!" Hinata was inspired by Anko's pep talk, and she pumped a fist into the air. Yeah, Anko was right! Fuck this kiss and seduction shit! Punching people in the face was the way to go!

"All right, Anko-san, I'll go punch the next person I see on the street!"

"That's the spirit! Now go go go!"

Anko shooed away the bright eyed Hyuuga girl. And as she watched the excited Hinata run around the corner, she said to herself in satisfaction, "Ah yes, it's nice to be able to contribute something to today's youth!"

* * *

Sweet Nice Hinata was now running down the sidewalk, breathlessly whispering to herself as she morphed into Big Bad Hinata: "Anko-san is right! Who cares what other people think??? I'm in the business of making myself feel better, not making other people feel better! I hate everyone! Well, except for my dear Narutokun, that is..." 

She saw two tall cloak-clad men up ahead, and she said to herself, "Ok, Anko-san, this is it! I am about to punch these two guys in the face!"

Uchiha Itachi yawned as he fired up yet another grass joint. "Duuuude, Kisame, you were sooooo way lucky back there, dude!"

Fresh from his near death drowning experience, HOshikigi Kisame was gingerly rubbing his throat. "What are you talking about, Itachi? I almost drowned!"

"Oh yeah, huh." Itachi scratched his head, then shrugged it off. "But still, like, Kisame bro, you got mouth to mouth resuscitation with that hot chick Kurenai, man! That musta been awesome, what did it feel like!"

"To be honest, I don't remember. I was unconscious at the time."

"Well, shoot, it looked pretty good from the sidelines, dude." Itachi grumbled as he kicked at the dirt. "Afterwards, I asked that Kurenai chick if she wanted do mouth to mouth with me, but she said sumthin like, no way, man, you're not hurt and stuff, you dont need resuscitation blah blah blah. So I was like, seriously babe, I gotta be unconscious for you to give me some lip? And she was like, yeah, that's correct. So I was like, ok babe, I'll just make myself unconscious or something."

Kisame gave Itachi a strange look. "Make yourself unconscious?"

"Yeah," said Itachi. "I tried to knock myself out by kicking myself in the head, but my foot couldn't quite reach up there, god damn it. And I was kinda tipsy at the time, so I just ended up falling down a lot. So I quit that, and then I rammed my head against a telephone pole a couple times. But that didn't work, so I - "

A stammering voice quavered from behind: "Um, ex-ex-ex-excuse me, but may I punch you in the face?"

Kisame and Itachi turned around to see a tiny little HYuuga girl before them. And kisame said, "Hey, haven't I seen you before somewhere - "

Pow! A little fist planted itself into the sharkman's nose.

Kisame was obviously not injured, but he was too shocked to respond in any shape or form. Meanwhile, Itachi was blinking at the blatant act of hostility. Then he started to laugh out loud. "Dude, Kisame, you just got hit by a kid, dude, hahaha - "

Pow! A little fist planted itself into the Uchiha's nose.

"Ow." Itachi grabbed his bruised nose. "That was so not cool, man."

Big Bad Hinata stood there with clenched fists, huffing and puffing, waiting while the two Akatsuki guys stood and contemplated the fact that a little puny Leaf genin had dared to punch them square in the face... Actually, Itachi didn't really care about Hinata or the bruise on his nose. He was more concerned about the fact that his joint had fallen to the ground, and the gusty breeze was blowing it farther and farther away from him with every passing moment.

With a face of palpable horror, the Uchiha ninja desperately chased after his airborne joint as he called out, "Shit! Come back here, my little baby! Come back to papa!" But the joint refused to obey its owner, and it floated off into the distance with the elder Uchiha in hot pursuit...

As Itachi's pleas faded away, Kisame and Hinata were now left alone in a stand off, glaring at each other. And Hinata was starting to sweat bullets, even though Hinata was now BIG BAD HINATA. She could not ignore the fact that this Kisame guy was twice her height, five times her body weight, and roughly 1,289,754,698,345,879 times more powerful than she was.

But she was not going to stand down! She was not going to run away! That was her ninja way!

Kisame growled, "I know you. You're the girl who pretended to be the shark back at the beach, and almost made me drown in fright!"

Big Bad Hinata refused to flinch, as she stammered, "Y-y-yeah, so w-w-what's it to y-y-you, poopy face???"

He informed her, "That wasn't very nice, you know."

"It's y-y-your fault, y-y-y-you were the one who almost cut off N-N-N-Narutokun's leg!"

"So, you like that Nine Tails kid, huh???" Kisame sneered now. "TOo bad he barely even noticed you back there! And what's with your stammering, you little runt???" Kisame mocked her now with his own stammer. "Are y-y-y-you too s-s-s-scared to speak clearly???"

Hinata shouted back, "I'm not s-s-s-scared of y-y-you! NArutokun wasnt scared of y-y-you, and neither am I-I-I-I!"

Kisame laughed as he whipped out his trusty Samehada sword. "Ok, tell you what, kid! How about I cut off both your leg and his leg? That way, you two will have something in common, for once! Hahahaha!"

He held up the Samehada for her to see, as the blade started to wriggle to life. "See this here? This is my Samehada blade! This handy thing sucks up chakra like nobody's business, and in about five seconds, you're gonna be out of chakra and knocking on death's door, little girl!"

Hinata cringed in terror as Kisame lowered the Samehada towards her -

"Aaaahhhhh!" Kisame yelled in pain as he suddenly dropped to the ground, writhing in agony. "Nooo, what's going on??? I don't understand! Why!"

Hinata blinked in surprise. "Are you okay?"

Kisame shouted, "Damn it, this stupid Samehada is sucking up my chakra again! You dumbass sword, you're supposed to suck away HER chakra, not MY chakra - aaaaaargh! Oh, it burns! It burns!"

Hinata watched in a mixture of confusion and disbelief as the sharkman rolled about on the ground, wrestling with his own sword. Kisame was grinding his teeth in fury as he punched and kicked his own weapon repeatedly. "You little punk, I'll teach you to mess with your master! Fucking hell, I knew I should have included an on/off switch when I forged your lousy no-good ass! You're going down, you shitty chunk of steel! You hear me? You're going DOWN!"

* * *

Two minutes later, a stupefied Hinata was staring down at an unconscious Kisame and a victorious Samehada. And the Hyuuga girl was taking great care to keep her distance from the blade, which seemed to be rippling in contentment inside its bandages - 

"Yo, Kisame, whatcha doing?" Itachi was finally back, and he looked down at his face down partner, then he looked to Hinata. "Dude, what's going on here?"

"I-I-I'm not sure. I think his own s-s-s-sword beat him up."

"Huh. Figures. I warned the dude." Itachi shook his head. "I kept telling him, dude, you gotta stop whacking your sword against the ground all the time, man, you can't mistreat your swords like that, swords got feelings, too, you know."

Hinata gave Itachi a strange look. "They do?"

"Yeah, they do, they're always talking and complaining to me all the time, like, especially when I'm feeling buzzed and stuff. Like, the other day, I was talking with one of my kunai, and it was telling me about these aliens from outer space which looked like really big cubes of strawberry jello - "

Hinata interrupted, "Um, I think I should be g-g-g-g-going now."

"Oh man, you do? Hey, before you go, you got any money I can borrow?"

"Why do you need money?"

"I need money to buy some more grass, man. I lost my joint in the wind, and that joint was my last one."

"Sorry, I don't think I should be giving you any money." Hinata shook a stern finger at Itachi. "Drugs are bad for you."

"No way, man, marijuana is harmless, man, it doesn't do bad stuff to your brain, it's got actual medicinal value, there's been actual clinical studies and stuff. And you can, like, make a lot of rope out of its plant leaves or something. Anyways, dude, come on, lemme have a couple bucks, that's all I'm asking."

"No! You and that shark guy were mean to Narutokun!"

"Dude." Itachi sadly shook his head. "I guess you leave me no choice..." He closed his eyes. "Hey kid, you know why the Uchiha clan is the strongest clan of them all?"

Hinata blinked in curiosity. "Um, no. Why?"

"Because of this!" Itachi's eyes flashed open, his Sharingan fully activated. "Tsukiyomi, dude!"

And with that, Hinata blacked out...

* * *

Hinata woke up to find herself sitting on a little wooden chair on a spooky inky black grass plain underneath a spooky bloody dark red sky. It was eerliy silent, and she had no idea what was happening as she wondered out loud, "Am I... am I dead?" 

A negative-colored Itachi appeared in front of her, waving hello. "Nope, you not dead, kid, you still alive, kid."

"But... what is this place?"

"You're caught inside my ultimate genjutsu, Tsukiyomi, where you will now suffer 72 straight hours of unbearable and unspeakable torture. In other words, major bummer for you, dude."

Hinata swallowed hard at that. "72 hours??? Isn't that a bit much?"

"Hey, it would be over a lot quicker if you'd just give me your money."

"No, I'm not giving you any of my money!"

Itachi frowned, and he held out a hand. "Dude, I'm not playing, I'm serious. Give me your money."

"No!"

ANother Itachi appeared now, also holding out his hand. "Dude, give me your money."

"No!"

Another Itachi appeared. And another. And another, as they all clamored with waiting outstretched hands: "Dude, give me your money."

"Nooooo!"

Hinata screamed and thrashed about inside her chair as hundreds and hundreds of Itachis surrounded her, all holding out their hands as they endlessly bugged her for money, the word "dude" echoing back and forth between her ringing ears -

Suddenly it all stopped. And Hinata blinked as she realized that there was only one Itachi again.

Itachi said, "Man, you're a pretty tough nut to crack. But it's ok, I'll just read your mind, dredge up your deepest and darkest fear, and then bombard you with that fear. Then you'll have no choice but to give me your money."

Hinata was sweating as she panted, "No, you wouldn't, you couldn't - "

Naruto's voice filled the air: "Sakurachan, I love you so much!"

Sakura's voice filled the air: "Narutokun, I love you even more!"

Hinata spun in her chair to see Naruto and Sakura holding each other in a deep embrace, sucking hard on each others lips like a pair of vacuum cleaners stuck on overdrive. And the Hyuuga girl screamed, "Noooo! Stop it, Narutokun, stop it, get away from her - "

She was surrounded by hundreds of embracing Narutos and Sakuras, all of them making hundreds of loud smacking smooching sounds as they kissed each other. "Oh Narutokun, I love you!" "Oh Sakurachan, you're the only one for me!" "Oh dear, I need a backrub, would you please, my dear Narutokun!" "Of course I will, my darling Sakurachan!"

Poor Hinata screamed anguished gibberish while Itachi cackled like the evil bastard that he was. "Stop! Stop it! Please!" Hinata was openly crying now. "Please stop! Fine, fine, I'll give you my money, just make it stop!"

* * *

Back to the real world now. A crying Hinata suddenly snapped out of it and took her money pouch out of her jacket's pocket. "Here, you cruel heartless bastard, here! Take it all! Take all of my money!" 

Itachi yawned as he took the pouch from her and peered inside. "Thanks, dude - damn, you got a hundred bucks in here??? Shoot, you Hyuugas are fricking loaded! Man, anyways, sorry about that, okay? No hard feelings, right?"

"Be quiet! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! Waaaah!"

Hinata turned away from him as she sobbed quietly to herself, and Itachi winced as he shifted uncomfortably in his shoes. He wasn't a totally heartless bastard, after all, even though he had killed his entire clan and stuff, and he kinda felt sorry for her. So he hesitantly said, "Hey, kid, you know what? How about I give you some tips on how to become stronger?"

Hinata screamed, "Don't talk to me! You're MEAN!"

"Hey kid, I really mean it, I'll help you out!"

Itachi really did sound like he meant it, so Hinata looked up from her hands. "Really?"

"Yeah, really. Ok, how about this? Tell me what jutsu you want to learn, and I'll teach it to you."

She immediately answered, "Hakkeshou 64 Palms!"

"Uh... Hakke 64?" Itachi grimaced. "Sorry, I seen that jutsu, but I can't do it. I can't close up them tenketsus if I can't see them, you know."

Hinata wailed in dismay, "I can't see the tenketsus either! That meanie Neji can see them, but I can't! Waaaah, it's just not fair!"

Itachi solemnly asked, "You can't see the tenketsus, huh?"

"No, I can't, and it's not fair! I try so hard, but no matter how hard I focus, I only see these little blurs all over the place!"

"You see little blurs, huh? Weird..." Itachi thought a little bit, then held up his hand. "Yo Hinata, how many fingers am I holding up?"

Hinata immediately said, "Three."

Itachi looked at the four fingers he was currently holding up. "Uh, you sure?"

She nodded zealously. "Absolutely sure!"

"Final answer?"

"Well..." Hinata fidgeted a bit now. "I'm pretty sure you're holding up three fingers... maybe four? Or five?"

"Dude, what the fuck, I'm holding up four fingers! Man, you can't see too good, can you?"

Hinata broke down and started to cry once again. "No, I can't! I can't see well at all! I'm the shame of the Hyuuga family, I don't have 20/20 vision, I am NEARSIGHTED! I am just a worthless little miserable monster that my father hates - "

Itachi interrupted, "Hey kid, you know what? I ain't gonna teach you a jutsu. Instead, I'm gonna help you see tenketsus, all right?"

Hinata stopped crying. "YOu will??"

"Yeah. Let's go take a walk." He turned to the unconscious Kisame. "Kisame, bro, we'll be right back, okay? Okay, good. Catch u later."

"Ugh," moaned Kisame.

* * *

Hinata and Itachi were now standing in front of the Konoha Optometrist office, and the Hyuuga girl was deathly pale in fright. 

"No, no, no, no, I can't go in there, Itachisan!" Hinata feverishly shook her head. "My father forbids me from ever going in there, lest we become the laughingstock of the entire village!"

"Dude, fuck that. You always do what your father tells you?"

"Um. Yes?"

"Oh man, you serious? Man... hey kid, last time my father told me to go do something, you know what I did?"

"What?"

"I killed him, my mother, and my entire clan."

Hinata didn't know what to say, other than: "Oh wow."

"Yeah, wow." Itachi nodded. "Anyway, you get the idea. You don't gotta kill your pops and clan and stuff, but someday, you gotta step up and shove it back into his face, you know? ANd today could be that day, man. Today, you could be deliberately disobeying his stuffy ass by walking into this optometrist office here and getting your eyes fixed and stuff."

"And then... if I get my eyes fixed... will I be able to see tenketsus???"

"Never know until you try, kid. How about it?"

Hinata brightened up into a brilliant smile as she started towards the front entrance. "Okay, I'll do it!"

* * *

A couple hours later. Itachi was sitting in the lobby of the optometrist office, his butt buried inside a comfy couch as he read the latest issue of Time Magazine. But now he could hear someone approaching, and he looked up from the periodical to see the eye doctor guy. 

"Yo, how did the eye exam go, dude?"

"It went just fine, although I must admit, I was surprised that a Hyuuga would have such flawed eyesight." The eye doctor waved a couple elaborate printed out graphs in his hand. "Her eyesight is so bad, laser surgery is out of the question. But with her new pair of glasses, her vision should be just fine."

"She got new glasses now? Tight." Itachi looked around. "Where is she? I wanna check out the new frames."

"She'll come out soon enough. She's a bit embarrassed, you know, her being a Hyuuga who needs to wear glasses and all. Does her father know about this - "

"Fuck her father." Itachi stood up. "Dude, Hinata, get out here so I can check your frames."

A nervous wavering voice squeaked from the doctor's office: "Um... okay... I'm coming out..."

Hinata stumbled out of the office, trying to hide the shiny bright black horn rimmed glasses which now rested on her nose. "Please don't laugh at me, Itachisan! These frames were the only ones sturdy enough which could support the thickness of the lenses - "

"Hahahahahaha!" Itachi pointed a finger and laughed out loud in her face. "Dude, you look like a fucking nerd!"

Hinata shrieked in agony. "I do??? Waaah, I don't want to look like a nerd - "

Itachi stopped laughing. "But who fucking cares. Now you can see tenketsus and stuff, and that's all that counts."

"Can I see tenketsus now?" Hinata did a hand seal and said, "Byakugan!" Her eyes did that crazy bulging veins shit, and then she practically jumped for joy as she realized that she could see the tenketsus of both the eye doctor and Itachi. "You're right, Itachisan! I can see tenketsus now! I can see them!"

"Awesome." Itachi turned to the eye doctor. "Hey man, how much do those things cost, anyway?"

"One hundred dollars."

The elder Uchiha and the Hyuuga girl gagged at the astonishing price. Itachi exclaimed, "Oh crap! Those nerdy things cost a hundred bucks???"

"That's right. One hundred even."

"No fricking way," Itachi said. "You know how much smack I could buy with a hundred bucks??? A whole fricking lot, that's how much - "

Hinata nervously asked, "Itachisan, um, could I have my money back?"

Itachi frowned down at her. "Huh?"

"I don't have any money left..."

"Really? Oh well. Tough. Guess you gotta return those glasses."

Hinata wailed, "But Itachisan, you promised! You promised you would help me see tenketsus!"

"Oh yeah, I did, huh? Man, this is tough. I wanna get me some more pot, but on the other hand, it'd be cool if you could have those glasses..." Itachi thought about it for a moment, then snapped his fingers. "I got it. I know how to solve this problem."

Hinata and the eye doctor both said, "How?"

Itachi grabbed the eye doctor by the neck and snapped his spinal cord in half, instantly killing the poor fella. "There. Now we don't got to pay the guy no more."

Hinata gasped, "Itachisan! You can't do that!"

"Yeah, I can. I'm a badass motherfucker, and badass motherfuckers can do whatever they want."

Hinata gazed sadly upon the fallen corpse. "But... but... the nice man didn't deserve to die..."

She started to sniffle, and Itachi groaned, "Man, I wouldn't have done it if I'd known that you were gonna cry about it so damned much. Come on, let's get out of here before the ANBU arrive. Those dudes smell freshly spilled blood from a mile away."

* * *

They were outside of the office now, and Itachi was handing back the hundred bucks to a surprised Hinata. "Hey, take this, kid. I don't want it anymore." 

Hinata slowly took the crumpled bills from him, wondering out loud, "But Itachisan... what about... what about your drugs?"

"Don't worry, I raided five hundred from the eye doc's cash register. I'll still get mine."

"Oh." Hinata supposed that she should feel bad about the eye doctor's death and all, but curiously enough, she was feeling great, thanks to her new glasses! "Thanks, Itachisan, for everything! I feel like a new person now!"

"No problem, kid. And hey, just remember, if your dad gives you crap about your glasses, you always have the option of murdering his bully ass. Feel free to kill your mom and clan while you're at it, too."

"Um, it's ok, I think my dad will understand."

"And if kids think you look like a nerd and stuff with those glasses, don't listen to them. You look cute in them, AND you kick ass in them. Got it?"

"Cute?" Hinata gasped as her ears blazed red at that. "I-I-I-Itachisan, y-y-y-you think I look c-c-c-cute???"

Itachi said, "Yeah, sure, you're a cute little bugger - oh shit!" The Uchiha genius had just noticed a dancing piece of white rolled up paper out of the corner of his eye. "Dude, there's my joint - oh fuck, there it goes!"

The gusty breeze lifted his joint high and away once again, and Itachi jumped onto a nearby rooftop in hot pursuit once again. "Later kid! Kick some fucking ass with your big bad self, okay??"

"Ok, Itachisan! Bye bye!" Hinata happily waved goodbye as the S-ranked criminal bounded away from rooftop to rooftop... and she hugged herself as she whispered out loud, "Itachisan thinks I'm cute..."

TO BE CONTINUED

Hinata seems to like the fact that Itachi said she's cute??? Oh man, what's going on??? Stay tuned for the next installment of BIG - BAD - HINATA.


	4. One Bad Dude

CHAPTER BEGINS 

It was now a brand new day, and all of the leaders of the various hidden villages had gotten together for a big meeting called by Tsunade, the brand new Hokage! Kazekage, Tsuchikage, Raikage, Mizukage, they were all there inside their kage robes and masks, sitting at a big circular table. All of the men were also using various kage-level peeking jutsus from behind their masks to gape at Tsunade's impressive boobage as she stood by the table, preparing to start her Powerpoint presentation for them.

Tsunade motioned for Shizune, who was off to the side, to turn off the lights. The room darkened, and Tsunade then announced with momentous grandiosity, "Hey guys, welcome to Konoha Village! And thanks for coming on such short notice!"

The kages all replied in unison, "Your welcome, Hokagesama."

"Thank you! Thank you very much..." Tsunade smiled big time, then started to pace about with hands behind her back. "Ok, look, I called you guys together because last night, I came up with this great idea! I asked myself, what could I do to stop all the bloodshed and violence amongst our countries? And do you know what idea I came up with?"

As Tsunade paced back and forth, the kages' eyes were busy following the bouncing movements of Tsunade's two baby boys. Raikage did manage to say, however: "What idea is this, oh Hokagesama?"

Tsunade stopped walking, and her baby boys calmed down, much to the kages' dismay. "My fellow kages, have you ever thought about why we keep declaring wars on each other?"

"Hmmm," the kages wondered out loud. Tsuchikage then said, "No, I never really did think about that, Hokagesama. It just seems like it is part of our jobs' duties to declare war on each other, that's all."

"See, Tsuchikagesama! That's the problem right there!" Tsunade beamed, happy that someone finally understood what she was getting at. "We just fight and fight and fight, but we never know why! But I sat down and thought about it the other day, and I finally came up with the reason why we always fight!"

Tsunade was now walking back and forth again, thus the kages were happy to just sit and watch as she continued. "You see, my fellow kages, we are currently rivals with each other because we hail from different countries!"

"Ah!" Kazekage nodded enthusiastically as his peeking jutsu managed to zero in on the outlines of her nipples underneath her shirt. "Those are two very nice points you have there, Hokagesama!"

"Really? I thought I had only made one point just now. Oh, whatever! Thank you, Kazekagesama. Now, let me show you my idea on how to bring about world peace." Tsunade started up her power point presentation, and a big map of the continent was displayed for all to see, with the five countries each distinguished by a different color, the Fire Country being red, the Wind Country being blue, etc etc.

"Right now, we are five different countries, as you can see by this graphic here."

"Mmm." The kages nodded.

"But, if we do away with the borders and boundaries which keep us apart..." Tsunade moved on to the next slide, which showed a map of the entire continent colored as one big pink blob with a happy face drawn in the center. "If we do that, we can form one big country and live together as one big happy family!"

Kazekage, Raikage, Mizukage, and Tsuchikage said, "Wow, Hokagesama, that really is a good idea! Okay, let's do it!"

Tsunade rubbed her hands in glee, visions of the Nobel Peace Prize dancing in her head. "All right, that's the spirit, my fellow Kages! We should make love, not war, that's what I always say!"

The other four Kages all shouted in unision, "What was that?! We should make love?!"

"Yup!" Tsuande beamed as her hand flashed a peace sign. "You heard me right! Make love, not war!"

All the men looked at each other. Then Raikage immediately shouted, "I shall be the one who will make love to the Hokage!"

Mizukage shouted, "No way, me! Me! Dibs! I call dibs!"

Tsuchikage shouted, "Dibs is for silly children, you idiot... firsties! I call firsties!"

Tsunade shouted, "Please everyone, don't get me wrong, I was just using a figure of speech! Please don't fight! Remember, we are here to make peace!"

Kazekage was the only other calm Kage in the room. "Yeah guys, calm down. Who would want to screw a fifty year old woman anyway?"

Tsunade screamed, "Why you!" She killed the Kazekage with a blow to the head. "Older women are as just a good lay as younger women!" Then she calmed down and said, "Okay, about the peace treaty! Who's in?"

The remaining three Kages immediately shouted, "We will agree with whatever you want to do, Hokagesama! Please don't kill us!"

"Yes!" Tsunade rubbed her bloody hands in glee. "Wow, the negotiations went by so fast! This Hokage gig is easy! Nobel Peace Prize, here I come!"

* * *

The next day at the ninja school of Konoha Village ...

Class was about to start, and everyone in the classroom was babbling to each other. They were very excited about the historic development that had happened yesterday. Apparently the five Kages had gotten together and decided that they would merge all their countries to form one big country called "Happyland". Their beloved Hokage, Tsunade, was the primary force behind this new peace treaty, and she was all over the front pages of the newspapers, smiling, giving the V sign, and comparing herself to Gandhi.

Shikamaru was sitting way in a back corner of the classroom, where he could usually sleep without getting caught. "Pssht. This is gonna suck. You know what this means, right?"

Choji was sitting next to Shikamaru, because the fat nerd didn't have any other friends at school. And he was finishing his paper bag lunch already, even though it was still early morning. "What does it mean, Shikamaru?"

"It means that other kids from other countries will be coming to our school, that's what."

"Oh okay." Choji had finished the lunch inside his bag, and he started to eat the bag itself. "That will be interesting, don't you think?"

"Yeah, but in a bad way. We may officially be at peace, but there is still a lot of bad blood between the former nations."

"I see." Choji had eaten the bag now, and he started to chew on his desk. "Man, I'm hungry!"

"Choji, what the hell. Doesn't that hurt your teeth?"

"Nope. Besides, wood tastes better than you'd think."

Suddenly the class's homeroom teacher, Anko Mitarashi, crashed through a window and landed feet-first on top of her desk. "Good morning everyone!"

No one listened to her, because they were still talking to each other. She then screamed, "Shut up, you miserable brats, or I'll kill you all!"

Everyone shut up, because Anko really meant it when she said stuff like that. She had already killed seven misbehaving students this semester. The parents of the dead kids had complained, of course, but then Anko killed the parents, too. So the school decided to just let the crazy ass bitch run her classroom the way she wanted to.

An eighth casualty of a student was already lying on the floor, dying from the flying glass shards which had lodged themselves in his throat due to the window Anko had just broke. But Anko did not notice the wheezing and gargling before her, as she now happily smiled at the class's obedient silence. "That's much better! Now then, I'm sure you all heard of the big treaty that was signed yesterday! As a result, we have three new transfer students today!"

The class did a double take as Kinuta Dosu, the leader of the three Sound genins, walked into the classroom. He wasn't just walking; he was Crip-walking, feet bouncing this way and that. He was dressed like a rapper gangsta homeboy, with an askew cap and his pants hanging down at his knees. His face was still taped up. He was also wearing that big dead beaver fluffy which he always wore on his back. He was also carrying a huge boombox on his shoulder that was blasting bass lowrider beats.

Anko beckoned for him to come to the front of the class. "Hi, my name is Anko, and I'm your new homeroom teacher! Oh, and by the way!" Anko promptly took away the noisy boombox from Dosu and smashed it to pieces against the nearest wall. "No music in the classroom."

Dosu blinked, then shrugged. "No biggie. Wasn't even my stereo to begin with."

"Good, then!" Anko smiled happily. "Now kids, I want you to say hello to Dosu!"

The class clamored, "Hi, Dosu!"

Dosu flashed a Crip gangsta sign to the classroom. "Sup bitches."

Zaku and Kin, the other two Sound genins, then jumped out from their hiding spots inside Dosu's dead beaver fluffy. Kin also flashed a crip sign, but Zaku couldn't because he didn't have any arms left (remember, they got blown up during his match against Shino).

Anyway, Kin and Zaku both shouted to the class, "Sup bitches!"

Anko said, "Now kids, I want you to say hello to Kin and Zaku!"

The class clamored, "Hi, Kin! Hi, Zaku!"

Anko then said, "Anyone have any questions for our new students?"

Sakura, who was sitting at the front of the classroom like the brown-noser she was, raised her hand. "Hey, aren't you guys supposed to be, like, um, dead?"

Dosu explained, "Jigga please, we Sound nin are quite resilient. We don't die easy."

"Apparently not," said Sasuke, who was sitting behind Sakura and surrounded by fifty other fangirls. "Hey, do you know where Orochimaru is?"

Dosu snarled, "Fuck that Orochimaru bitch! I'll bust a cap in his ass if I ever see that guy again."

Kiba spoke up now. "Hey Zaku, I was just wondering. Do you need a hand with your bookbag?"

Zaku said, "Nah, I don't need any help - hey, what do you mean by 'do you need a hand'?! Are you making fun of the fact that I don't have arms anymore?!"

Kiba grinned. "Haha, no way! I wouldn't dream of it! But if you wanna fight, I'll brawl with ya anytime! Say, Zaku, you got any kunai or shuriken on you?!"

Zaku blinked. "No. Why?"

"Oh, ok, never mind. I wouldn't dream of picking a fight with an unarmed man anyway. Haha, get it?? Unarmed! Hahaha!"

Zaku screamed, "Why, you fucker!"

While Zaku threw a helpless tantrum, Shino solemnly nodded from his seat next to Kiba. "Good one, Kiba."

"Haha, yeah, I burned that bitch good! Gimme some skin, bug boy!" Kiba held out his left hand, and Shino slapped five. Kiba then held out his right hand. "You too, Hinata! Come on, gimme some - huh?"

The dog boy looked around to see that Hinata was not in her customary seat to the right. "Holy fuck, Hinata isn't here!"

"Hmm." Shino also frowned at that, because during her seven years of schooling, Hinata had never ever been late to class even once, let alone absent. "Odd."

"Yeah, weird!" Kiba scratched his head. "You know, she's been acting kinda weird lately. I wonder if she tripped and hit her head on a water sprinkler or something."

Shino agreed, "Yes, she has been exhibiting unusually aggressive behaviour lately." He then turned his head to the door. "There she is."

"Cool!" Kiba turned his head, then yelled, "What the fuck! Hinata, what happened to you???"

Hinata was already scared stiff as it was, barely able to force her feet beyond the threshold of the opened classroom door. Kiba's blaring announcement of her arrival was not helping her any, as she fought the urge to turn tail and run far far away from here.

For she was wearing her glasses. Her big huge thick geeky horn-rimmed milk-bottle glasses. Everyone was gaping at the incredible sight of a Hyuuga in glasses, and Hinata was convinced that everyone now considered her to be the ultimate, the pinnacle of nerds.

She could now see with painstaking clarity, and all she could see were stares of shock and incredulity. Even Anko-san was gaping hard at her! Hinata swallowed hard, completely sure that the only way she could possibly look more nerdy was if some bully walked up to her, broke her glasses, and forced her to tape them up at the middle.

And, to the terrified Hinata's anguish, that bully could very well be that scary Sound guy, Dosu. Dosu was walking over towards her, obviously intending to accost her. He was walking slowly and deliberately, all the while his scary lone bulging wide-open eye boring into her eyes.

Dosu's eye boring into her with that eerie malignant intensity, Hinata involuntarily staggered backwards as Dosu finally brought himself to a halt half a foot in front of her, way too close for comfort. She braced herself as that scary Dosu guy slowly said,

"Hey babe, did it just get hot in here? Or is it just you?"

* * *

A befuddled Hinata blinked from behind her monstrous frames, as she instinctively began to do that weird nervous wriggling tic of hers with her fingers. She stammered, "N-n-n-no, I don't think it's hot in here, D-D-Dosu-san - "

Hinata gasped. Wait a minute! Did this Dosu guy just use a pickup line on her?! Was he HITTING on her?!

Before she knew it, Dosu was reeling off another bad one-liner as he sauntered around to scope her from behind. "Hey baby, your daddy must be a baker, cuz you've got an awful nice set of buns - "

"Eat shit and die, fuckerrrrr!" Kiba had already seen enough from the incredibly rude Sound nin, and he was flying across the room, ready to defend his teammate and knock Dosu all the way into next week.

An instant later, however, Shino had a good grip on Kiba, holding back his friend while the dog boy lobbed all sorts of death threats towards Dosu's general direction. "Kiba, calm down! Hinata can take care of herself! We are supposed to be allies with the Sound nin now, not enemies!"

"Fuck that, I'm gonna bust a cap in the scrawny ass of that motherfucking Sound fucker fucknut!" Kiba flashed a Blood gang sign at Dosu. "Fuck you crips! Bloods for life!"

Dosu's bulging eye nearly popped open in fury as he yelled with wide open arms, "Come and get it then, blood! Piece of dogshit, come here and get your shit fucked up, you fucking shitty ass Leaf ninja!"

Kiba screamed, "Fuck you, you fakeass! You're so fake, I can smell your fakeness from a mile away, you wannabe! Fuck! Biggest wanksta EVER!"

Dosu hollered, "Fuck you, little bitch, you have no idea where I'm from! Fucking bitch, last night, I was all iced up and rolling in my cadillac and chilling in clubs and picking up mad fly bitches and tricks - "

Zaku blinked. "Uh, Dosu, we spent the night playing Monopoly at Kin's house."

Kin also blinked. "Yeah, Dosu, what are you talking about? Besides, you don't even drive a Cadillac. You drive a Toyota Tercel."

Dosu yelled with a shrill hint of panic, "Shut up, guys! Just shut up!"

Kiba screamed in laughter now, pointing a condemning finger at the redfaced Dosu (well, his face was underneath all those bandages, that is). "Ahaha, faaake! I knew it! Man, you talking all this gay shit while last night, I was running around killing bitches like you for free - "

Shino said, "Huh? I thought you said that you spent last night knitting a new sweater for Akamaru."

"Ah?" Kiba stopped in mid-gumflap, as all eyes focused on Akamaru. The doggy was perched on Kiba's head, as usual. And the doggy was sporting a new black woolen sweater with a big cartoony red heart stitched on the back.

While the embarrassed Kiba and Dosu tried their damndest to melt away from plain sight, Anko thrust a finger towards the seats. "Everyone! SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN. I swear, the next person to talk, I will break that miserable maggot's fucking fingers into a million fucking pieces!"

The genins recognized danger when they heard it, and they quickly sat down without further fuss. As Hinata sat down in her seat, she was uncomfortably aware of all the boys staring intently at her. Dosu, Kiba, Shikamaru, Choji, heck, even Shino was sneaking a peek while he pretended to adjust his sunglasses! The only guy who didn't look her way was Uchiha Sasuke, of course; he didn't give a flying fuck about anyone, save for himself.

"Oh my god," Hinata said to herself. "They're not looking at me because they think I look nerdy! They're looking at me because I look cute!"

Then she remembered what Itachisan had said yesterday, about how she looked cute in her glasses. Then she remembered what that creepy nasty Dosu guy had just said to her. And Hinata broke out into a raging blush.

"Oh my god, all these boys are actually thinking I'm cute?! Then that means - "

She immediately started to look around for that one particular boy. But much to her dismay, Narutokun was absent from class yet again. He was probably out training with that old nasty man Jiraiyasan, yet again.

With a heavy sigh, Hinata sagged in her chair. Then she jerked up as Kiba hissed, "Psst! Hey, Hinata! Hey!"

With hugely scared eyes, she immediately looked to her team's leader. "Y-y-y-yes, Kibakun?"

Kiba grinned and gave her a thumbs up. "Hey, I dig the frames! Nice!"

Kiba's infectious good humor spread over to her, and she couldn't help but smile back. "Thanks Kiba - "

Anko slugged Kiba upside the head, instantly knocking the dog boy unconscious. "NO TALKING IN CLASS, YOU LITTLE PISS ANT!" She then calmed down, as she brightly smiled and said, "Now then! Where was I? Oh yes, today, we have a special guest, kids!"

The kids were too scared of her to say anything back, so Anko just continued on. "Now, this special guest is a very famous man who has accomplished many great feats and missions! His reputation is the stuff of legends, and his name is well known throughout the world! Lucky for you scum-sucking piglet swine, this amazing man has taken some time out of his incredibly busy schedule to come over and teach you guys a few things about the way of the ninja! So, when he shows up, you better listen up, pay attention to him, and show some respect! Or else!"

The kids were murmuring now, wondering who this great man was. Sakura, the brown noser, eagerly asked with excessive enthusiasm, "When is this great ninja going to be here, Ankosan?!"

"Hmm. Well." Anko frowned as she looked at her wristwatch. "Actually, he was supposed to be here over half an hour ago. I guess he's running late."

Sasuke and Sakura immediately gagged in unison, as they realized just who this "great ninja" was supposed to be. On cue, Hatake Kakashi walked into the classroom, just now tucking away his well-worn latest issue of Make-Out Paradise. The jounin's visible eye disappeared in a jovial squint as he waved to the kids. "Halloooo, everyone! Good morning!"

Sasuke and Sakura screamed, "YOU'RE LATE!"

Kakashi's jovial squint became an even more jolly squint, somehow, as he gestured towards the hallway. "Ahhhh, Asuma-san asked me to buy some cigarettes for him - "

His two pupils screamed, "You're lying!"

"Ahhhh, well. Anyways." Kakashi coughed as he decided to ignore their accusations for now. "Ankosan, I'm sorry I'm late. Is there anything in particular you want me to teach the kids today?"

Anko shook her head. "Nah. Just make sure to teach these miserable brats a couple jutsus. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a nap." She leapt onto the classroom's couch, sprawled all over the place like a lazy cat, and immediately began to snore.

"Very well then." Kakashi noted the presence of the Sound genin trio. "Ah, I see that we have three of our newest allies here with us today! Okay, then, it's decided! To commemorate this special day of unity and peace, I will teach you kids my most powerful jutsu! I will be teaching you... Chidori!"

"What?!" Sasuke had fallen out of his chair, but he was now scrambling back up. "Chidori? But, Kakashi! I thought you said that Chidori requires Sharingan! And that only special people can do Chidori, like you and me!"

Kakashi laughed at the naivety of his pupil. "Ahhhh, hahaha! No, no, Sasukekun, I was just kidding about all that stuff! Chidori is not hard to do at all. As a matter of fact, it's quite easy to learn. I'm sure that when I'm through with everyone here, everyone will be able to do it."

"No! No way!" Sasuke's humonogous ego had taken quite the hit, as walls came tumbling down from the Uchiha sky. "This can't be! This can't be true! There's no way everyone here can do Chidori!"

* * *

One hour later, a totally crushed Sasuke was sitting huddled in his own little dark spot in a corner of the room, as numerous cries of "Chidori!" filled the air behind him.

"Chidori!" Sakura dashed across the room and plunged her crackling blue hand through a thick wall of sandbags. "Yatta! I did it! Sasukekun, did you see that? Oh Sasukekun, lookie here, I was able to do the Chidori only because of my burning love for youuuuu!"

Sasuke only groaned and buried his face deeper inside his hands...

Ino was not to be outdone by her eternal rival. "Sasukekun, don't listen to Forehead Girl! Watch me instead, okay?" Ino ran across the room and plunged a similarly electric blue hand through the sandbags. "Sasukekun! Did you see that? Oh Sasukekun!"

A black cloud was now forming over Sasuke's bowed head...

"Rarr!" The armless Zaku yelled fiercely as his hair stood on end at the top of his head, sizzling with blue chakra. "Chidori!"

Zaku lowered his headful of crackling chakra and charged headlong into the sandbags, ramming his head completely through the barrier. From the other side of the barrier, Zaku screamed with tears of joy running down his sand-covered cheeks.

"Look guys, look! I just did a jutsu! Can you believe it, I did a jutsu! And here I thought that I would never be able to do a jutsu again because of my handicap!"

Needless to say, Sasuke was openly sobbing now...

Class was finally over. Sasuke and Sakura were walking out of the door together, and Sakura was trying her hardest to cheer up the disconsolate Sasuke.

"Don't feel bad, Sasukekun! Everyone knows that you're still a great ninja, you know, the number one rookie! You're still special in my heart, at least!"

Sasuke would have none of it, as he started to bang his head against the wall. "Oh, this sucks, this sucks, this sucks, this sucks, this sucks!"

While Sakura tried to stop Sasuke from inflicting a mild concussion upon himself, Hinata sidled up by the two. "Um, S-S-Sakura? Do you know where Narutokun is?"

Sakura looked to Hinata. "Oh, hi, Hinata! Where's Naruto? Oh, he'll be coming to school late today. He has an early morning training session with Jiraiyasan."

"Oh, okay." Hinata was doing that weird finger twiddling thing of hers. "It's just that, now that I've mastered Chidori, I think it would be neat to show it to Narutokun..."

She also hoped that Naruto would come by and see her in her glasses. Maybe then, he would finally notice her, or maybe see her as someone other than just a friend...

Meanwhile, Sasuke was wailing out loud at Hinata's mention of Chidori, and he dropped to the ground, curling up into a little ball of miserable Uchiha.

Sasuke wailed, "Oh my god, this is going to suck so much when Naruto finds out! When he finds out, he is going to rub it into my face until the end of time!"

A loud boisterous shout from down the hallway. "What was that?! When I find out what?!"

Hinata looked up in delight at the sight of Naruto marching down the hallway. "Narutokun!"

"Hey Hinata! Hey everyone!" Naruto grinned as he looked down at the suddenly silent Sasuke. "What's going on?"

Sakura said, "Oh, Sasukekun's not feeling very good about himself right now."

"Huh, weird - whoa! Look out!" Naruto jumped to the side as Dosu and Kiba had taken their feud out into the hallways, each doing the Chidori as they collided into each other. "Hey you guys, watch where you're going - holy moly! Are those guys using Chidori?!"

Hinata eagerly piped up, "N-N-Narutokun, it's too bad you weren't here at school today because K-K-Kakashisan showed us how to do Ch-Ch-Chidori! Look!"

While Sasuke cried softly into his hands, Hinata did a couple hand seals and then braced her right hand... chi chi chi chi! Chidori!

Naruto enthusiastically applauded in approval at the chakra gushing from Hinata's hand. "Wow! Hinata, that's great! You can do Chidori?! Kick ass!" He scowled in frustration. "Man, now I wish I had come to school this morning! Jiraiyasan said he would meet me early morning for some training, but he wasn't at the bath house like he usually is! What gives?! Stupid ero sennin!"

"I-I-It's ok, Narutokun, I'm sure K-K-Kakashisan can show you how to do it sometime l-l-later!" Hinata started to madly blush now as she twisted this way and that. "Or m-m-maybe, if y-y-you want to, I can show you sometime, it's not that hard to do, I mean, y-y-you don't have to, but if you have the time, m-m-maybe it would be nice..."

Unfortunately for poor Hinata, Naruto was not listening, for he was busy screaming into Sasuke's ear, "Hahahaha, you suck, Sasuke! You think you're so hot, huh? Looks like Chidori isn't that big of a deal, huh?!"

Another boisterous voice now boomed throughout the hallway, albeit a much younger and brattier voice than Naruto's (if such a thing was possible). "Aha! There he is, my eternal rival!"

Everyone turned to see the brat pack trio of Konohomaru, Moegi, and Udon, with Konohmaru at the forefront as usual with his arms crossed. Naruto grinned and said, "Hey Konohomaru! What's up?"

Without any preamble whatsoever, Konohmaru thrust a defiant finger at the fox boy. "Naruto! I challenge you to a fight! Today, I will defeat you, and then I will be the leader of our group!"

"Huh?" Naruto wore that one puzzled face of his. "Challenge me to a fight? Maybe later, Konohomaru, I'm kinda busy right now, I got to find Jiraiyasensei - "

On cue, the Frog Hermit stuffed his face into the middle of the group. "Oi, Naruto! What's up!"

A fuming Naruto shouted, "Jiraiyasensei! What happened to our training session this morning?! Where were you? I looked all over for you, but I couldn't find you!"

"Oh, haha, sorry, Naruto, but our Hokage asked me to come to school today as a guest speaker! You know, because today is a special occasion, with the unification of our countries and all!"

"Guest speaker?"

"Yup! Today, I was the guest speaker for Konohomaru's class today!" Jiraiya grinned, then sombered in a momentary lapse of dampened humor. "Although, I would have much preferred to be the teacher for the high school girls' class, but Tsunade wouldn't let me."

"Nasty Ero Sennin!" Naruto crossed his arms and scowled at Jiraiya. "I bet all you did was ask if anyone had any sexy older sisters or mothers!"

Konohomaru piped up, "No no, Naruto, Jiraiyasan spent most of his time teaching us a new jutsu!"

"A jutsu? Cool!" Naruto grinned. "What did he teach you guys?"

"Some jutsu called Rasengan!"

Naruto roared at the top of his lungs, "WHAT?!"

"See! Watch this, Leader!" Konohomaru took a deep breath and focused his concentration on his right hand... and Naruto choked half to death as Konohomaru formed a perfect swirling ball of chakra inside his hand. Konohomaru was doing Rasengan?!

"But, but, HOW?!" Naruto looked to Jiraiya. "I thought you said that only you, me, and the Fourth mastered this jutsu!"

Jiraiya laughed, "Well, that's because we never bothered to teach it to anyone! But really, it is quite easy to do!"

"Nooooo!" Naruto clapped his hands onto his head as he looked back to the brat pack. "This can't be!"

Moegi was smiling brightly back as she held up a perfectly formed Rasengan for Naruto's inspection. "See, Leader! Isn't Rasengan so pretty?"

Udon, meanwhile, was using one hand to hold up his Rasengan, while he used his other hand to blow his ever runny nose. "Sniffle, sniffle, it was pretty hard to do at first, but it isn't as tough as the Gamabunta action model I am currently working on."

Konohomoaru now shouted, "So how about it, Leader! Let's have a duel!" The grandson of the 3rd then stopped, as he realized that Naruto had joined Sasuke on the ground, curled up in a little fox boy ball, sucking his thumb and crying his eyes out.

"Hey, Leader! Are you okay?"

While Sakura now tended to both of her fallen sobbing teammates, a saddened Hinata was slowly trudging away with a hanging head and a heavy heart. Naruto had not noticed her. Again. He had not looked at her like those other boys had. He had not even noticed or commented on her glasses. Sigh...

* * *

A depressed Hinata had made her way out of the school building. Once she was outside, she then blinked in astonishment as she saw, of all people, Itachisan standing out in the schoolyard! He was dressed in his Akatsuki cloak as usual, but this time, he was wearing one of those ugly bright orange vests over his cloak, you know, those worn by community service workers. He was yawning, looking like he was about to fall asleep as he lazily poked away at some fallen autumn leaves with his rake, trying to coax them into a trash bag next to his feet.

Hinata waved happily to the elder Uchiha. "Hi, Itachisan! How are you doing today?"

"Huh?" Stoner Itachi's bleary eyes slowly tracked down the source of the greeting, and he ahh'd in recognition as he lifted a greeting hand in return. "Yo, Hinata. Sup."

"I'm doing well, thank you!" Hinata skipped over to look at the trash bag by his feet. "Are you... are you raking leaves, Itachisan?"

"Yeah, I gotta do this cuz I've been sentenced to one week of community service work by the Hokage." Itachi half-heartedly banged his rake against the street asphalt. "I got busted yesterday by Kurenaisan for drug possession, and the Hokage decided that this would be the best way to rehabilitate me." Itachi's mouth suddenly split open in a monstrous yawn. "Yeahhhh, I also gotta show up at some drug rehab center every day, so they can give me counseling and stuff on why drugs are bad for you. It kinda sucks."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Well, at least you're not going to jail, Itachisan."

"Yeah, that is pretty cool, huh?" Itachi wanly grinned now. "I thought I was gonna get busted big time when Kurenaisan caught me, because you know, I killed my family and clan and stuff. But the Hokage was pretty cool about it, she's one hella cool chick. She was like, well, Itachi, you were a kid back then, so we can't try you as an adult, we gotta try you as a minor, and we don't send kids to the electric chair, so we'll just have to send you to some juvenile delinquent reform school."

Another yawn from Itachi. "The school's pretty cool, too, they teach you skills like how to make license plates and stuff. And its location is convenient too, duz the place is right next to the drug rehab center, so I don't gotta walk around much or take the bus or anything." He then snapped his fingers. "Oh yeah, plus, I like the cafeteria food. The chicken patties and the cornbread are the fucking bomb."

"Well, that's great, Itachisan! You're getting your life back on track!" Hinata was genuinely happy for the S-ranked criminal. "I'm glad that you've turned over a new leaf in your life!"

"Yeah, I already feel like a brand new person, man, maybe it's cuz I haven't smoked anything yet today." Itachi looked to his side, where his Akatsuki buddy, Kisame, was also stuffing leaves into a yard bag. "Yo Kisame, where's Kurenaisan? She around?"

Kisame, in all of his bright-ugly-orange-community-vest glory, growled, "No, she left to get some coffee. Come on, Itachi, let's fucking blow this joint and get out of here! We got a mission to accomplish, remember?"

"Yeah yeah, I know, I know." Itachi waved away Kisame's grumblings. "Calm down, dude, we can still do our classified top secret Akatsuki stuff while we're chilling at the reform school."

Kisame scrunched up his face in skepticism. "We can?"

"Yeah, man, we can! Come on, man, think about it! While we're in reform school, we can walk around in the middle of Konoha and do our top secret Akatsuki stuff right here! How cool is that! Plus, we get to eat chicken patties every day! For free! Free food, man!"

"Oh yeah." Kisame was starting to nod in agreement. "I see where you're coming from... yeah, it would be pretty convenient! And I do like chicken patties. Especially with ketchup and mustard. Mmm, chicken patties..."

"Now you see? Man, that's why I'm the brains of our little operation." Itachi tapped a finger against his forehead. "Kisame, you always gotta be thinking, man! Think! Always gotta stay one step ahead of the game."

Hinata now nervously interrupted, "Umm, Itachisan, s-s-sorry to interrupt you during the middle of your top secret Akatsuki s-s-stuff, but... are you still trying to kidnap N-N-Narutokun?"

"Huh?" Itachi looked down at her. "Oh, nah, we're not trying to kidnap him anymore. We're doing a different mission now."

"Oh really? Cool! What's your new mission?"

"Can't tell you, kid." Itachi was now pulling out a hand-rolled cigarette from the depths of his Akatsuki cloak. He placed the joint inside his lips, and he mumbled through the half-closed lips, "It's top secret stuff, I can't be telling no one what the fuck!"

Itachi blinked as Kurenai flashed into view, snatching away the joint from his mouth. "Oh shit! Kurenaisan! Fuck, I thought you took a break to get some coffee!"

The lady jounin sternly shook a finger, his unlit joint in one hand, a mocha cappucino in her other hand. "It's a good thing Starbucks is right around the corner, Itachikun! I swear, I can't take my eyes off you for one second!" She thrust her finger down at the ground. "Pick up your rake and get back to work!"

Itachi grinned as he bent down to pick up his rake. "No problem, babe. And only cuz you asked so nicely."

Kurenai shook her head at Itachi's insolent bad boy tone, and she turned to Hinata. "Hinata, I think you'd better go back to class. Nothing good can come from hanging around these type of guys. They are nothing but a bad influence on good girls like you."

Hinata was saddened by Kurenai's words of wisdom. "Really? Oh..." She then stammered, "B-b-but, Kurenaisensei, Itachisan isn't bad! He's nice! Yesterday, he helped me so I can see tenketsus now!"

"Don't believe a word he says, Hinata! He is an S-ranked criminal, and you can't trust men like him." Kurenai shooed away Hinata now. "Now, go, go! Go back to class!"

"Okay..." Hinata waved goodbye. "Bye bye, Kurenaisensei! Bye bye, Itachisan!"

Itachi waved while he rearranged some leaves on the ground with his rake. "Later, kid."

While the Hyuuga girl skipped back to the school building, Kurenai turned back to Itachi. "Spit it out, Itachikun! What did you do to Hinata yesterday?!"

Itachi put on a bland innocent face as he dropped his rake and held up his hands in indignation. "Nothing, Kurenaisan! Honest! I just helped her get some glasses, that's all! I swear on my mother's grave - no, wait, that's not a good example. Um, I mean, cross my heart and hope to die."

"You got her those new glasses?!" Kurenai blinked, then said, "Hmm, I guess that could be true. There's no way her father would have bought them for her, because he doesn't care about her at all... but why?"

"Cuz like, she looked like a kid who could use some confidence, you know. She looked like she was always getting stepped on and stuff, which can't be easy, man, I know what it's like to be the first born kid in a top tier clan, you've got all these expectations hanging over your head, it kinda sucks ass."

"Well, that is true..."

"Yeah, so like, I got her some glasses so she can see tenketsus and stuff. That way, it will be easier for her to kill anyone who fucks with her."

"Uh, I see." Kurenai gave him a strange look, then sighed. "Well, in the end, I guess you did help Hinata. Maybe there's hope for you after all."

"Hey babe, there's more to me than meets the eye. I've got layers, you know, kinda like how an onion's got layers."

Kurenai raised an eyebrow. "Like an onion?"

"Yeah babe, an onion! You know, some people think that an onion is like one big fruit, but it's not! Onions aren't just one big chunk like an apple! Man, they got all these layers that you can peel away with your fingers and stuff!" Itachi nodded very thoughtfully now. "Onions are way deep, Kurenaisan. And they're not even fruits, either, I think they're actually some kind of radish or something."

Trying to hide an exasperated smile, Kurenai said, "Well, Itachikun, I'll agree with you that onions do have layers." Then she frowned as she pointed back to the ground. "Now pick up that rake and get back to work! And where's Kisame? He's been awfully quiet for the last few minutes, and that's making me suspicious."

"Uh." Itachi looked to the side, where Kisame was rolling around on the ground and fighting with his own sword again. "I think his sword is giving him trouble again."

"Oh dear, don't tell me his sword is sucking away his chakra again! I swear, why does he carry around that dangerous thing?" Kurenai sighed as she started to walk over. "Hey you two, break it up! Stop fighting this instant, or I'll throw both of you into solitary confinement!"

While Kurenai tried to break up the fight between Kisame and his Samehada, Itachi grinned as he picked the rake back up and started to rake leaves again. Man, he was so fucking clever, none of these Leaf dudes had any clue about what he was planning to do! Yeah, he'd been telling the truth about helping that Hinata kid and stuff, but he had only been telling a partial truth when he told the kid that Akatsuki no longer wanted to kidnap Naruto. Oh no, Akatsuki still wanted Kyuubi, all right. They just wanted Itachi and Kisame to go about it differently this time... that poor Hinata kid. He felt kinda bad that he was gonna take away her boyfriend from her and everything, but oh well. That was life. Life sucked.

Itachi quickly popped an Ecstasy pill into his mouth while Kurenai wasn't looking. And he grinned as he said to himself, "Man, I am one baaaaad dude."

CHAPTER ENDS

Notes: Man, I don't even know where I'm going with this story. I am just writing random stuff! Oh, the joys of writer's block... Stoner Itachi is becoming a bigger part of this story than I anticipated... so, just what does Itachi have planned for Naruto? And what effect will it have on Hinata if Akatsuki takes away Naruto? Stay tuned!


	5. Big Pimpin' with Big Macs

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any characters affiliated with Naruto. 

CHAPTER BEGINS

It was now midnight, the end of a hard day's work for Itachi and Kisame, the two newest participants of Konoha's rehabilitation center. Their room light was turned off, they were dressed in their standard-issue Akatsuki pajamas (a nifty black satin decorated with pink bunnies viciously wielding bloody kunai), and they were lying in the bunk bed which they shared.

"Man, my body hurts all over." Kisame groaned from the bottom bunk as he rubbed his aching shoulders. "Not only did I rake all those leaves, I had to fight for two straight hours with that damned sword of mine." Kisame paused to glare in the direction of the closet, where his Samehada was currently resting. "I'll beat some obedience into you yet, you bastard."

Itachi was staring straight up to the ceiling, busy practicing crossing his eyes. "Yeah, I know what you mean. I hurt all over, too."

Kisame mutedly yelled (he had to stay quiet during quiet time, otherwise the cafeteria would take away his dessert, and Kisame couldn't bear for that to happen, he **loved** cheesecake): "What are you talking about? You didn't do shit today! All you did was hit on Kurenai!"

Cross-eyed Itachi said, "No dude, I'm serious, my body is in pain! First, I sprained my neck cuz I was trying so hard to look down her shirt and stuff, but she kept turning away. And then, there was that one time when she started punching me in the head for no reason!" He gingerly felt his battered head. "I think she broke my face!"

"Itachi, she punched you because you tried to take a picture up her skirt with that camera cell phone of yours."

"I did?" Itachi strained to recall the day's events. "Huh. Oh yeah. I did try to take that picture. My bad. Ok, I guess I had it coming."

"Yeah you did..."

A moment of silence in the bedroom...

Kisame coughed. "So, uh, did you take that picture or not?"

Itachi said, "Dude, of course I did! I'm fucking Uchiha Itachi. I can do anything!" Itachi paused. "Actually, that's not true. I can't pat my head and rub my belly at the same time. But other than that, I can do motherfucking anything, man! I'm Uchiha Itachi!"

"Right on..."

A moment of silence in the bedroom...

Kisame coughed. "So, uh, can I see the picture?"

Itachi grinned in the darkness like the evil bastard that he was. "Of course, dude."

* * *

Five minutes later, Itachi and Kisame were sitting in the middle of their room's floor, huddling over a tiny glowing cellphone, and guffawing like the two villainous goons which they were. 

Kisame guffawed, "Huh huh, huh huh, I didn't know that Fruit of the Loom made women's underwear!"

The elder Uchiha said, "Learn something new everyday, dude!"

The sharkman pointed at the tiny screen. "Look, you can even see her face, she looks so surprised and angry! I love it! She looks so funny!" Inspiration suddenly hit Kisame. "Hey Itachi, you know what would be awesome?!"

Itachi thought for a moment. "A picture of Kurenai inside a wet T-shirt?"

Kisame blinked at Itachi's suggestion. "Well, uh, yeah, that would be awesome. But you know what would even be **more** awesome?"

Itachi replied, "Awesomer."

"Huh?"

"You said **more awesome**, dude. That's not the right way to say it. It's **awesomer**. You know. Kinda like how you say, bad, badder, baddest." Itachi sighed. "Dude, and I thought my grammar was bad."

Kisame shook his head. "Anyways. Itachi, we ought to post this picture on the Internet! And we should take all the credit for it, too! If people saw this pic, Kurenai would be so embarrassed, she would be ruined! People would know that we Akatsuki fellows are totally evil and immoral bastards who are not to be messed with! It would help us recruit more evil and immoral bastards, too!"

Itachi made a face at Kisame's suggestion. "Dude, isn't that going a little too far? I mean, Kurenaisan would be like the laughingstock of the ninja nation and stuff, and that would be kinda mean to her."

Kisame frowned at Itachi's waffling. "What's wrong with you? We're Akatsuki! Mean is our motto! It's what we are! Wait a minute, man! I see what's going on here!"

Itachi blinked at Kisame's accusing tone. "What's up?"

Kisame yelled (as quietly as he could, for the sake of cheesecake), "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're getting sweet on her!"

"I am?"

"Yeah, you are! Usually you wouldn't give a fuck if we messed with a girl's reputation like that! But this time, you don't want to do nothing to this chick!"

"Oh yeah, huh." Itachi scratched his head. "Weird. Maybe I am getting sweet on her. Even if she is an older chick."

Kisame suddenly clashed his fists together. "I know what it is! It's her eyes, isn't it? They look kinda like the Sharingan, so subconsciously, you think she looks like some hot Uchiha chick who used to live next door to you!"

"Whoa." Itachi was genuinely blown away by Kisame's psychoanalytical insight. "Now that I think about it, you're right, man. I think I **am** getting sweet on those pretty red eyes of hers! Man, this is pretty deep stuff." Itachi thought about it for a moment. "I guess when I see her, she kinda reminds me of my mother. You know, makes me wanna love her and kill her at the same time."

"Weird shit." Kisame shook his head. "You've got weird tastes, man. Falling in love with a Konoha chick."

"Fuck you, dude! At least I'm not the one who dreams about mermaids and shit!"

Kisame protested, "It's no dream! Mermaids are real!"

"Whatever, dude. Mermaids are fake, man. They're like myths and stuff. Deal with it."

"No! Never!" Kisame resolutely shook his head. "I am not giving up! I swear, someday, I will find a mermaid, we will fall in love and get married, and we will have lots of fish children!'

"Whatever." Itachi yawned as he put away his cell phone. "Ok man, I'm going to sleep now. For reals. Otherwise Kurenaisan will kick my ass again for waking up late."

"Yeah, we should get to bed." Kisame flopped back into the lower bunk. "Just curious, Itachi. If you're getting sweet on her, why do you piss her off with stuff like the cell phone?"

Itachi shrugged. "I can't help it, man. I'm evil. Evil things are what I do." Itachi snapped his fingers. "Oh yeah. Speaking of evil things. It's about time that we started our master plan concerning Uzamaki Naruto. You do remember what we discussed, right?"

"Yeah, I remember. I run away and go back to Akatsuki headquarters, but you stay behind here, therefore Kurenai thinks that you really want to stay and get yourself rehabilitated, and then she won't be watching you as closely, so you can sneak around and do your sneaky evil Akatsuki things." Kisame groaned. "Do I have to leave the village tonight? It's so cold outside! Plus, the menu says that the cafeteria is serving cheesecake tomorrow."

"Sorry , dude, we've got to do this pronto. Otherwise, we've got some unforseen circumstances which might make it impossible to get Naruto out of the village, man."

"Unforseen circumstances? What are you talking about?"

Itachi was crossing his eyes again as he stared up at the ceiling once more. "That Hinata kid, man. That Hyuuga girl might mess up everything."

* * *

It was now early morning, a fresh new beginning of a bright new day. Itachi was back out on the streets, dressed in his Akatsuki cloak and orange community service vest and ready to pick up trash from the gutters... 

"Man, I don't want to do this shit." Itachi quickly looked around to make sure that no one was looking. Then he quickly did a couple hand seals, and boom! Itachi was now surrounded by three of his kagebunshins!

The real Itachi waved hello. "Hey dudes, what's up."

Itachi Clone #1 said, "What's up."

Itachi Clone #2 said, "Got any weed?"

Itachi Clone #3 said, "Man, I'm hungry."

The real Itachi pointed to the cluttered ground. "Hey dudes, listen up. I need you guys to pick up this trash for me while I go and do my sneaky Akatsuki things."

The Itachi clones looked at the ground. Then they looked to the real Itachi. "Do we gotta?"

"Oh man." Itachi groaned. He had forgotten that his clones would be just as lazy as himself. "Yeah, we gotta do this, guys. Come on, if we don't do this, I can't do my top secret Akatsuki stuff."

"Okay, okay..." The three Itachi clones were already not listening to him, becoming distracted and wandering off in three separate directions. "We'll get started soon."

Itachi banged his rake against the ground in an attempt to get their attention. "Not soon, dudes! Now!"

Itachi Clone #2 suddenly stooped over to pick up a coin from the ground. "Sweet! I just found a quarter, guys! Check it out!"

"No shit! Really?!"

The other two clones hustled over to take a look at their comrade's fortune, while the real Itachi held his head in dismay...

* * *

Half an hour later. The Itachi clones had still not started on their work. They were busy huddling together on the sidewalk, blowing hot air into their fists in an attempt to stay warm, and trying to bum cigarettes off each other, even though it had already been established long ago that none of them had any smokes on them. Meanwhile, the real Itachi grumbled to himself as he picked up yet another piece of trash from the ground and placed it in his trash bag. 

"Fucking clones. Man, if they weren't part of my master plan, I'd have kicked their sorry asses by now."

"Well, well, Itachikun! I am glad to see that you are hard at work today!"

All of the Itachis looked to see Kurenai walking up with a Starbucks mocha cappucino in her hands (apparently she guzzled the stuff like nobody's business). The real Itachi paused in the middle of his work and he waved hello. "Sup babe."

"Good morning to you." Kurenai then looked at the Itachi clones, who were busy leering at her. "Why did you make those clones over there?"

"Ah, I wanted them to help me out with the garbage pickup, but they're being a bunch of lazy dumbasses." The real Itachi called out, "You hear that, you fucking losers?! You're all a bunch of lazy fucknuts!"

One of the Itachi clones made an obscene gesture involving the yanking of his jock. "Yeah, yeah, blow me. We'll get started soon, man, stop bitching already."

Another Itachi clone called out, "Hey lady, you got a cigarette on you?"

Kurenai simply shook her head at the Itachis' appalling behavior, and she turned back to the real Itachi. "Itachikun, you really should stop swearing. The repression of foul language is an important step for rehabilitating your state of mind."

"Hey babe, take it easy, one step at a time, man. I haven't smoked any hippie lettuce for the past twenty four hours, you know. That's gotta count for something, right?"

"Well, I guess that's a step in the right direction."

"Yeah well, I'm doing it all for you, babe." Itachi winked. "So, you doing anything later tonight?"

She smirked at the offhand pass. "Close, but no cigar, Itachikun." She then brightened up. "But then again, you didn't run away last night like that Kisame guy did. That must mean you really want to be rehabilitated! I'm proud of you, Itachikun, I really do hope that you become a decent citizen of Konoha once again."

"Yes!" The real Itachi thought to himself. "She fell for it! My master plan is working! I am so fucking genius!"

"Hey babe, you said that you had a cigar?" The Itachi clones had made their way over. "Can we bum one off you?"

* * *

Meanwhile, back at Konoha's school, class was starting, and three new transfer students were being introduced... 

Anko yelled, "Okay everyone! I want you to sit down and shut up so that our three newest students can introduce themselves!"

The Sand genins, Gaara, Temari, and Kankuro, were standing at the front of the class. They all looked mighty bored with Anko's teacher rhetoric, and Temari was the first to speak up.

"Hi everyone. My name is Temari. I am going to kick all of your asses." Her eyes zeroed in on Shikamaru way back in the classroom. "Especially you."

"Oh man." Shikamaru tried to hide behind his desk. "What have I done to deserve this?"

"Nice introduction, Temarikun!" Anko was a big advocate of assertive women. "Now, who's next?"

Kankuro stepped up. "Hi. I'm Kankuro, and I hate little kids. They suck."

Anko enthusiastically nodded. "What a coincidence! I hate little kids, too!" She looked to Gaara. "And you?"

Gaara slowly blinked those baggy eyes of his. "My name is Gaara. I like the smell of freshly spilled blood."

"Me too! There's nothing that beats the smell of fresh blood when you wake up in the morning!" Anko absolutely loved these three new students. They had so much in common! "Ok, guys, go find a seat and sit down!"

Temari immediately headed over towards Shikamaru's area, so she could start picking a fight with him. Gaara headed towards the nearest seat available, which happened to Sasuke's empty seat (Sasuke was absent today). Kankuro waited to see where Gaara sat, then sat as far away as possible from him.

Shikamaru was nervous about Temari. Everyone in Gaara's vicinity was nervous about Gaara. But for a certain Hyuuga girl, she was nervous about a certain fox boy...

Hinata, with her new glasses and all, used her Byakugan to sneak a peek to the back of the classroom, where Naruto was napping (luckily for Naruto, Anko didn't care if you were sleeping, so long as you stayed quiet). "Narutokun seems so tired today... I hope I can get to talk to him later today... maybe during lunch break..."

* * *

It was lunch time now, and the kids were all separating into their teams to hang out. The only team who didn't stay together was the Sand team. Temari and Kankuro sat off to the side and glared at everyone (in Temari's case, she glared only at poor Shikamaru), while Gaara headed straight for the playground's sandbox, which immediately sent the little kids scattering in terror. 

Meanwhile, much to Hinata's dismay, Kiba wanted to go pick a fight with the Sound genins and finish the matter between him and Dosu once and for all...

Kiba snarled, "Come on, Hinata, why don't you want to fight those guys?! That Dosu guy was totally treating you like dirt yesterday! Don't you want to kick his ass?!"

"Well, of course I don't like him, but..." Hinata couldn't help but sneak a peek behind her. "I don't really feel like fighting today..."

Kiba and Shino noticed the furtive peek, of course, and they turned to see that Hinata had been checking on the Sasuke-less Team 7, where Naruto and Sakura were hanging out together. Sakura didn't want to hang out with Naruto, but since Sasuke was at home moping about everyone learning Chidori, she had no valid excuse to tell Naruto to stay away from her...

Hinata knew that Sakurasan didn't like Naruto in that special way, but still, she was very nervous whenever Naruto spent time with Sakura. Narutokun obviously liked Sakurasan, and if Sakura ever got around to realizing what a great guy Narutokun was, Hinata was terrified that Sakurasan would reciprocate his feelings, and since Sakura really was a nice and pretty girl, there was no doubt that the two would become a great couple, no no no no, Hinata could not let this happen! The risk was too big! She had to intervene, somehow, until that stupid Sasuke came back to school and Sakura would pay attention to him once again!

"Kiba, um, if it's okay with y-y-you, I-I-I want to go talk to Narutokun about something..."

"You want to talk to him about what?"

"Well, you see, um." She was blushing like crazy again. "You see, Narutokun was upset that he didn't get to learn Chidori yesterday, so he asked if maybe I could show him, but I haven't had time to show him yet, maybe I can show him during lunch..."

"Well." Kiba looked to the Sound genins, who were currently hanging out at the playground. Dosu was sitting and glaring at Kiba, the armless Zaku was using his teeth to hang from the monkey bars, and Kin was busy combing her insanely long hair. "I guess Shino, Akamaru, and I are enough to take on those losers. Ok, you can go chill with Naruto if you want."

"Thanks Kiba!" Hinata smiled happily as she skipped off to go talk to Narutokun...

* * *

Meanwhile, in an attempt to shield herself from Naruto, Sakura had enlisted help in the form of Ino, who didn't mind being away from her idiot teammates, of course. 

Naruto grinned his foxboy grin as he lifted some ramen noodles up to his mouth. "So, Sakurachan, you doing anything after school today?"

"Oh, I'm going shopping with Ino. Sorry!" Sakura then turned back to blab about exfoliating creams with Ino...

"Oh okay." Naruto was not at all discouraged by Sakura turning her back to him (he was used to it by now), and he asked, "Say, what do you think about those Sand and Sound guys? I think it's pretty cool that more strong guys are showing up to class!"

This topic was more interesting to Sakura, hence she actually turned around and put forth a genuine attempt at conversation. "Yeah, it is pretty cool, isn't it? It is always interesting to meet new people and learn about the cultures which they grew up in!"

Ino added with a giggle, "Yeah, and it doesn't hurt that that Sand guy, Gaara, is a lot hotter up close than I realized!"

"What?!" Naruto almost spat out ramen noodle at that, but he managed to hold it in. "You think Gaara is hot?" He looked over to the sandbox, where Gaara was quietly sitting and making a sand castle while his sand pseudopods were busy strangling an unfortunate kid who had gotten too close to him. "What do you see in a psychopathic killer like him?!"

"Oh, I don't know!" Ino blushed as she looked over at the son of the former Kazekage. "I mean, sure, he has some issues and all, but he is so dark and mysterious, it drives me crazy!"

"Huh?" Naruto wore that squinty confused face of his. "Dark and mysterious? I don't get it."

"You know, dark and mysterious! That brooding calm on his face, those dark deep shadowy eyes... he just looks so confident and sure of himself, and confidence is so sexy! Plus, I love his hair, too! It's hard to look good with red hair, but somehow he pulls it off!"

"What the!" Naruto looked to Sakura now. "Sakurachan, what is Ino talking about?!"

"Well... um..." Sakura was also blushing now a little. "Ino's right, you know. If it weren't for Sasukekun, I think I would find Gaara to be rather attractive. I mean, he is so dark and mysterious and brooding and silently strong..."

Ino added, "He looks like he can get really wild, too! The sort of boy who can be really fun to hang with!"

Naruto made a face at that. "Of course, he gets wild! Psychopathic homicidal wild, that is!"

His words were clearly not getting through to the girls, as Sakura mused out loud, "Yeah, well, nobody's perfect..."

While the two girls dreamily watched on as Gaara's chaperone, Baki, jumped in and rescued the hapless kid from Gaara's sand, Naruto was busy thinking to himself, "What the hell! What does Gaara have that I don't which makes Sakura think they're hot?! Besides his murderous tendencies, that is?! Could it be that tattoo on his forehead? Should I start wearing a giant pumpkin on my back, too?! Could it be that dark and mysterious thing which they keep bringing up?!"

"Um, N-N-Narutokun?"

"Huh?" Rousing himself from deep thought, Naruto looked up to see Hinata standing before him. "Hey, what's up, Hinata!"

"Oh, um, n-n-nothing much! I just wanted to say hi, and um, maybe, um, if you wanted to learn Chidori..." Hinata suddenly realized that Naruto was staring very intently at her. Omigod, he had finally noticed her! He was looking at her! Was it the glasses?! It had to be! Did he, like all those other boys, now think that she was cute?!

Naruto solemnly asked, "Hey Hinata? Is there something different about you today?"

Hinata almost screamed in frustration, but thankfully, she held it in. Oh no! He hadn't noticed her glasses yet! But she had to give him a second chance! "Well, actually, y-y-yes, there is something different about me today..."

"Ah, I know what it is!" Naruto beamed as he snapped his fingers. "A new haircut! I like it! It looks great on you, Hinata!"

Sakura and Ino were now watching the catastrophic disaster unfold before them, and Hinata felt like shriveling up and dying right then and there, as she stammered, "N-n-no, I didn't get a new haircut..."

"Oh really?" Naruto scratched his head. "What is it, then? A new jacket?"

It was just Hinata's imagination now, but seemingly everyone in the playground had stopped to watch this tragic scene develop, as she fought back the tears. "N-n-no, not a new jacket..."

"Ah, I know!" Inspiration struck Naruto now. "The optometrist! You went and saw the optometrist, right?!"

And just like that, Hinata was gaily dancing on Cloud Nine. "Yes, yes! I went to the optometrist - "

"Hee hee, yeah, I shoulda known!" Naruto was rubbing his nose in cheerful self deprecation. "Optometrists are those guys who fix your teeth, right? I should have noticed from the start that your braces were gone! So, you removed your braces! Congratulations!"

And just like that, Hinata dropped like a hammer from Cloud Nine and landed smack dab into the hell of despair. Sakura and Ino held their faces inside their hands, unable to watch as Hinata's face blotched a humiliated red...

"N-n-no, Narutokun, I n-n-never had braces in the first place..." She suddenly turned away. "I'm so sorry! I'll be going now!"

"Huh?" Naruto was thoroughly confused as a choking Hinata ran away from him. "What's going on ow ow ow ow ow ow ow!" He yelled in pain as Sakura and Ino pounded away on the top of his head. "What?! What did I do wrong this time?!"

Sakura managed to spit out while she played bongo drums on Naruto's cranium: "Naruto, you heartless fiend! I can't believe you were so cruel to Hinata!"

Ino spat out with equal venom, "Naruto! You go find her and apologize to her right now!"

Naruto cried out, "Apologize for what?! I didn't do anything ow ow ow OKAY! I'll apologize! I'll apologize!"

Sakura hissed, "Don't just apologize, Naruto! Say something nice to her, too! Say something VERY nice to her! Or else!"

"Okay, okay, stop hitting me, please! Ow!"

* * *

Ten minutes later, a horribly battered Naruto was stumbling down the sidewalk, barely able to see where he was going due to the puffy bruises around his eyes. "Gotta... find... Hinata... apologize... oh man, I think I have a concussion..." 

Suddenly the cheery blue sky turned a dark foreboding black. The singing birds faded away into ominous silence. A single beat of a taiko drum sounded. Deep, low, and menacing, a signal of ill will. Echoing into the background as a looming oppressive shadow towered over the groggy fox boy, the malignance of two bloody red Sharingan eyes glowering down upon him...

"Narutokun. Come with me please."

Naruto looked up, barely able to register the fact that Uchiha Itachi, the most dangerous criminal to have ever left Konoha, was now standing before him. "Huh? What's going on - ack, let go!" Itachi had seized him by the arm. "Let go, damn it! Where are you taking me, you dastardly villain?!"

* * *

Ten minutes later, Itachi and Naruto were sitting at a booth inside a McDonalds, and they were sucking on chocolate milkshakes through colorful straws, their table effectively covered with Big Macs, French Fries, crispy apple pies, etc etc... 

Itachi stopped sucking on his straw long enough to wipe away a milk moustache which had formed below his nose. "Yo Narutokun, sorry if I scared you back there, dude, but you looked like you were about to fall down any minute. I thought it would be better if I carried you here."

Naruto grinned as he put down the milkshake to stuff some French fries into his mouth. "Hey, no problem! I feel a lot better now, so it's all good!"

"Good to hear, dude, good to hear." Itachi now leaned forward, so he could talk in a lower voice, a voice more fitting for an evil, sneaky, and secretive villain like himself. "Hey, sorry about what happened last time with Kisame, man. Kisame hates kids, so he's pretty mean to kids like you and stuff. I wasn't going to let him cut off your legs, honest."

"Well, I dunno." Naruto made a suspicious face now. "I'm not sure if I can trust you, Itachisan. Sasuke did say that you killed his family and clan and all."

"Oh yeah, huh? Well, that's true." Itachi scratched his head. "But I'm trying to change, man. I'm in Konoha's rehabilitation progrm for S-ranked psychopathic killers, and I'm making a lot of progress! Even Kurenaisan believes in me, man! She trusts me so much, she let me go off on my own for my lunch break!"

"Wow, really?" Naruto had to think long and hard about this one. If Kurenaisan felt that Itachi was becoming a better man... and Itachi's tone was very convincing... and Itachisan couldn't be all that bad; after all, he did buy lunch for Naruto just now...

Naruto grinned. "Ok, I believe you, Itachisan! So, what's up? I guess you want to talk to me about something?"

Itachi grinned at Naruto's insight. "You're bright, kid. I like that." Itachi's grin widened. "More specifically, little man, we dudes at Aktsuki like that. We like you and your potential, Narutokun. As a matter of fact, we like you so much..."

Naruto eagerly asked, "What? What?!"

Itachi was serious now, as he opened up one of those crispy apple pie cartons. "We want you to leave Konoha and join us, Narutokun." The apple pie was now inside Itachi's mouth. "Wee wanch youf to leafth this village and join Akathookie ahhhh! My tungth!" Itachi hastily spat out the apple pie. "Hot! Hot!"

* * *

A totally surprised Naruto sat back, staring in confusion, not sure what to say. An invitation to join Akatsuki... 

Gingerly feeling his burnt tongue, Itachi wiped away the crumbs of apple pie from his mouth. "Take your time, dude. You don't gotta answer right away."

Naruto immediately asked, "You're not going to ask Sasuke, are you?"

"Of course not, dude. You've got way more talent than Sasuke has."

Naruto's ego promptly blew up at that, and he tittered, "Yeah, hee hee, I won't argue with that!" He then sombered down. "But I can't just leave Konoha, Itachisan. This is my home, and I have a lot of loved ones here..."

Itachi was ready for this, of course. "Yeah, dude, but how about this, I got a question for you. Sure, there's people here who love you, but ain't there one particular person who you **really** want to love you in that special mushy way? Ya know, a particular girl who is in love with some bratty little bro of mine right now? You know who I'm talking about, right?"

Naruto hung his head at that. "Sakurachan..."

"Yeah, her." Itachi was glad that Naruto brought up her name just now, because Itachi had forgotten her name. "Yeah, that Sakura chick. You love her, right?"

"I do..."

"And well, Sakura don't exactly love you back, right? I mean, she likes you as a friend and all, but she don't have the hots for you, right?"

Naruto mumbled, "Yeah, something like that..."

"Well, kid, don't get too down, cuz I can help you get her, if that's what you want."

Naruto looked up at that. "You can?! That would be so awesome! Itachisan, if you can help me get Sakurachan, I will treat you to Ichiraku Ramen for the rest of your life!"

"Uh, ok. Free food is always good." Itachi popped a French fry into his mouth. "Ok, listen up, kid. The secret to picking up chicks like Sakura is..."

Naruto eagerly leaned forward. "What? What?!"

"Dark and mysterious, man. You gotta be dark and mysterious."

"Awww, what?!" A discouraged Naruto slumped into his seat. "Not this dark and mysterious stuff again!"

Itachi blinked. "What's up, kid? Someone already told you this?"

"Yeah, Sakura told me about it during lunch today. She thinks GAARA, of all people, is pretty hot! And only because he is dark and mysterious!"

"See, man? That's what I'm talking about! Chicks dig that dark and mysterious shit!" Itachi then lowered his voice back to his secret scheming Akatsuki voice. "But that's just the tip of the iceberg, man. There's more!"

"Really?!" Naruto jumped up in his seat again, his enthusiasm returning. "What else is there?!"

"Well, good little girls like Sakura, they really dig it when a guy has this really badass **crazy**-ass wild side to him, you know? Goody two shoe girls love a guy who is liable to do wild crazy spontaneous shit at any moment!"

"Awww, not again!" Naruto slumped back into his seat. "Ino told me that stuff too!"

"Oh, she did?" Itachi scratched his head. "Oh, okay then, let's review. So tell me, what do chicks like Sakura dig in guys?"

"Dark and mysterious. Crazy and wild."

"You got it, kid."

Naruto lamented, "But Itachisan, there's no way I can compete with Sasuke in those deparments! I'm not dark and mysterious! And I don't do crazy stuff like Sauske does!"

Itachi leaned back in his chair now. "Yeah well, luckily for you, kid, I'm here to help. If you do what I say, I promise you, you will be dark, you will be mysterious, and you will be so effin crazy, Sakura is gonna be begging for you to make her your bitch."

"Ohhh, really?!" Naruto was chomping at the bit now. "Tell me, Itachisan! What can I do?!"

"Ok, first, you gotta look dark and mysterious, right? Well, look no further, dude! Check it out, Narutokun, your very own Akatsuki cloak!"

Itachi whipped out a folded package of black cloth from the depths of his Akatsuki cloak, and in a flash, Itachi had unfurled a boy-sized Akatsuki cloak for Naruto to admire! "Dude, I promise you, if you put on these threads, you will instantly join the ranks of the dark and mysterious!"

"Wow!" Naruto's eyes fairly gleamed at the utter coolness, darkness, and mysteriousness of the brand spanking new cloak. "My very own Akatsuki cloak?!"

"It's yours, man, whether you decide to join Akatsuki or not. Consider it a gift."

Itachi handed the cloak over to Naruto, and in a flash, Naruto had put it on and was admiring himself in the reflection of the window. "Wow, Itachisan, I didn't think it was possible, but... with this cloak, I really DO look dark and mysterious! Just as dark and mysterious as Sasuke!"

"Ha! Told you, dude!" Itachi beckoned for the excited Naruto to sit down. "But now, here comes the important part, dude. It's one thing to look good, but actions speak a heckuva lot louder, you know."

Naruto immediately said, "I have to do something wild and crazy, huh?!"

Itachi was visibly impressed by Naruto's intellect. "You're catching on fast, kid. Now tell me, what's the craziest, wildest, dumbest, stupid-ass thing which Sasuke has ever done?"

Naruto thought for a little while, then said, "When Sasuke left the village to go join Orochimaru?"

"Bingo, kid! You see, deep down, Sakura knows that Sasuke is capable of pulling off stupid crazy-ass shit like that. And good little girls like her? They find that sort of stuff totally irresistible, man! They absolutely love that shit!"

"Wow, so if I leave the village to join Akatsuki... Sakurachan will fall in love with me?"

"Kid, I couldn't have said it better myself." A satisfied Itachi settled into his seat. "Kid, I can teach you no more. The pupil has now become the master."

"Wow, Sakurachan is going to fall in love with me..." Naruto was already dreaming of the possibilities. "I'll leave the village for a couple years, then when I come back, Sakurachan will declare her love for me, and I will declare my love for her, then we'll get married, and then I'll become Hokage... Itachisan, you're a genius!"

"Damn right I am. Hey, and if you ain't convinced, watch me put on a little demonstration." Itachi sat up now. "See that chick over there?"

Itachi nodded across the room, and Naruto looked over to see Shizune, Tsunade's right hand woman, and Tonton, Tsunade's pet pig, minding their own business in their own booth. Naruto exclaimed, "Hey, look, it's Shizunesan!"

"Yeah, well, ever since we got here, she's been scoping me, man. She's been checking me out."

Naruto gushed, "No way! Get out of here!"

"Yes way, man. I'm telling you, sure, she's acting like we don't exist right now, but just wait a few more seconds... ha! Check it out! See that? She just looked over at us!"

Sure enough, Shizune had peeked over just now, and she madly blushed when she realized that Itachi was staring right at her with those dark intense Uchiha eyes of his. She immediately focused her eyes back on her food, pretending to be immensely interested in her Fish O Filet while Ton Ton happily shoved his snout into a box of French fries...

"Holy crap!" Naruto exclaimed. "Shizunesan just checked out you, Itachisan!"

Itachi crowed, "Told you, dude! And you know why she even bothered to check me out in the first place?"

Naruto nodded in understanding, all of the pieces now falling into place. "Because you're dark and mysterious!"

"That's right, kid! That's right." Itachi rubbed his hands in glee. "Ok, now that I've established my dark and mysterious side, watch me do some wild crazy-ass random shit. I guarantee you, once I do this shit, that chick is gonna fall head over heels for me."

Naruto breathlessly watched as Itachi casually stood up and picked up a couple Big Macs. The fox boy could see that Shizune was trying her best to hide her interest, but she was obviously watching Itachi out of the corner of her eye as he casually sauntered over to her side of the restaurant...

Then Naruto jumped as Itachi suddenly smashed the Big Macs onto the top of his head, sending a splattery mess of ketchup and mayonnaise flying everywhere!

"What the heck!" Naruto thought to himself. "That was the stupidest thing I've ever seen!"

Then the fox boy's mouth opened in shock when he realized that Shizune was actually giggling. Holy crap! Shizunesan actually liked that stupid crazy-ass shit?!

A fascinated Naruto watched as Itachi deliberately wiped his hands clean on his Akatsuki cloak. Then Itachi proceeded to, with ketchup still dripping from his hair, ask Shizune for her phone number. And much to Naruto's shock, she actually wrote it down on a napkin and gave it to him! Itachi then said something else which Naruto could not make out, but whatever it was, it made Shizune blush like crazy and giggle even more!

"Itachisan was right!" Naruto told himself as Itachi continued to chat with Shizunesan. "Dark and mysterious! Crazy and wild! This is the only way to go! This is how I will win Sakurachan's heart!"

* * *

Ten minutes later, Itachi and Naruto were standing outside of McDonalds, ready to go their separate ways. Itachi no longer had Big Mac in his hair, of course, after dunking his head inside the bathroom sink, and he had a few final words for Naruto. 

"Well, kid, like I said, no pressure. You don't got to make up your mind right now. First, why don't you go back to class, show off your new duds, and see how that Sakura chick reacts to you? I bet you'll be liking what she does, man, I guarantee it."

Naruto eagerly nodded from inside his brand new Akatsuki cloak. "Will do, Itachisan!"

* * *

A few minutes later, Itachi found Kurenai sitting on the sidewalk alone. She was sipping on a Starbuck mocha cappucino and staring off into space... much to his surprise, none of his kagebunshin clones were in sight... 

Itachi called out, "What's up, Kurenai-babe-san. Hey, what happened to my clones?"

Kurenai scowled back at Itachi. "They were getting fresh with me, so I had to burst their bubbles... where were you?! You were out fifteen minutes past your lunch break!"

"Oh, sorry babe, I got hung up at Mickey D's. Sat down and talked to a buddy of mine."

"Hmm." Kurenai suspiciously studied Itachi's face, wondering if the S-ranked criminal was lying. Then she blinked, as she asked, "Itachikun, why do you have a pickle in your hair?"

"Huh?" Itachi reached up to search his head a bit, and then he plucked a sliced pickle from his hair. "Oh, this. Yeah, I smashed a couple Big Macs onto my head."

"You did what?! No way! You did not!"

Itachi shrugged. "Yup, I did."

Kurenai protested, "But that's crazy! Nobody is stupid enough to do something as wild and crazy as that..." She trailed off as she suddenly began to blush, and she stopped talking, choosing instead to focus her efforts on suppressing the tingling goosebumps which were spreading over her neck and legs...

Itachi blinked. "Huh? Come again?"

"Oh, nothing." Kurenai hurriedly shook her head, trying to hide her blushing. "Itachikun, seriously, you do the craziest things sometimes."

"Hehe, yeah, that's me. I'm the wild thing."

"Well, Mr. Wild Thing." Kurenai had regained her composure and her hands were on her hips. "It's time for you to get back to work! There's nothing like wholesome manual labor to rehabilitate the soul!"

"Yeah, yeah." Itachi stooped down to pick up his trash bag. Now he didn't care that he had to do this work, really. The important thing was that he had finally made contact with his target: Uzamaki Naruto...

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the classroom... 

"Hee hee hee!" Naruto was madly grinning now, as fifty starry-eyed fangirls had suddenly decided to sit next to the dark and mysterious fox boy. He didn't really care about forty nine of the fangirls, though. The only girl who mattered was the one sitting behind him...

A blushing Sakura tapped Naruto's shoulder from behind, as she whispered, "Hey Naruto!"

He twisted back in his chair, as he whispered, "What's up, Sakurachan?!"

"Where did you get those cool clothes?! They look so neat!"

"You think so? A friend gave them to me!"

Naruto smiled wide now, and for the first time, Sakura noticed that Naruto really did have a set of perfect gleaming white Hollywood teeth... Sakura smiled back. "Well, I just wanted to say, you look really sharp!"

"Eee hee hee hee! Thanks, Sakurachan - "

Anko slugged Naruto upside the head, instantly knocking him unconscious. "NO TALKING IN CLASS, YOU LITTLE MAGGOT!" Anko then walked off, continuing her lesson as the fifty fangirls, led by Sakura, quietly fussed and worried over the drooling slack-jawed Naruto...

However, off in the corner of the classroom, a certain Hyuuga girl was the one who worried the most about Naruto...

"Narutokun," Hinata sadly whispered to herself as she looked over the Akatsuki-cloak-clad fox boy. "What happened to you..."

CHAPTER ENDS

Notes: Ok, Stoner Itachi is playing a huge role in this story, I guess. I can't help it! He is so much fun to write... wow, so Itachi has officially invited Naruto to join Akatsuki! And Naruto actually seems to want do it? Will Naruto really leave Konoha? Why does Itachi think that Hinata is the only one who can stop Naruto from doing so? Stay tuned! P.S. Guys, do not try to impress girls by smashing Big Macs onto your head. Only the cool pimps like Itachi can get away with stuff like that.


	6. Naruto's Decision

CHAPTER BEGINS

One day had passed since the debut of Dark and Mysterious Naruto, the Akatsuki-cloak-clad version, and it was the dawn of the 2nd day now. And boy, Naruto already liked what was happening so far!

"Good morning, Narutokun!"

"Hiii, Narutokun!"

"Hey Narutokuuun, are you doing anything over the weekend?!"

"Hee hee hee!" Naruto grinned his foxboy grin from inside his Akatsuki cloak as smitten starry-eyed fangirls called his name from all directions. "Ladies, ladies! I'm so sorry, but my heart already belongs to someone else!"

The fangirls would not be denied as they crowded around Naruto, tugging and pulling and yanking on his sleeves, shamelessly begging for a date. And then poof! The fangirls blinked in shock as "Naruto" vanished into thin air. That had not been the real Naruto. It had been a kage bunshin!

"Oh poop!" The fangirls clamored in agitation. "He got away from us again!" Then they all let out a collective dreamy sigh, clasping their hands to their chests as their eyes became star struck once again. "Oh, that Naruto! He is such a clever, dark, and mysterious fiend..."

* * *

Meanwhile, the real Naruto had swooped over by Sakura and her locker, and he was coolly leaning against a couple neighboring lockers, his fierce blue eyes casually checking out his teammate/childhood-crush in that manner which only dark and mysterious bad-asses checked out their targeted girls. His phenomenally dark and mysterious Akatsuki cloak was parted slightly open to reveal loosely fitting denim pants and a slick black leather jacket, his gaudy juvenile orange jumpsuit a thing of the past thanks to Itachisan's wardrobe suggestions. Naruto's thumbs were casually hooked into the denim pants pockets, and he was slowly chewing bubble gum, jaw deliberately grinding and massaging away at the rubbery wad. 

Sakura could feel his bold eyes all over her, and she blushed, too shy to look up from her bookbag as she asked with a little smile, "Is there something you wanted to talk about, Naruto?"

"Well, babe." Naruto always used the word "babe" now whenever he talked to Sakura, because Itachisan had told him that it was the pimp thing to do. "I was just wondering, you doing anything after school today?"

Sakura's blush darkened as she ducked her head and smiled in spite of herself. "Oh, well, I do have a couple errands to run for my mother, and I also have to... clean my room... and... maybe later, Naruto... but thanks for asking..."

Naruto was prepared for the rejection, thanks to Itachisan's warnings, and yesterday, Itachisan had prepared a speech which Naruto had memorized inside his head (a short speech obviously, due to his less-than-stellar cranial capacity): "Hey babe, no problem. I understand, you and Sasuke and all... catch you later, okay?"

Naruto popped the bubble gum, flashed a fox boy grin, and he swaggered off, his Akatsuki cloak floating behind him in a really cool manner a la Darth Vader's cape or something. The blushing Sakura turned for a moment to watch him leave, and then she turned to giggle and chatter excitedly with Ino (who was both happy and jealous about the attention which her best friend was receiving from the totally cool, dark, and mysterious Naruto)...

Little did Naruto and Sakura know that, from around the corner, everything had been witnessed by a pair of demoralized and disheartened Hyuuga eyes from behind a pair of huge, thick, and nerdy eyeglasses...

* * *

Hinata knew she had to do something. She just knew it. She could not just sit back and passively hope that Naruto and Sakura would not get together. So far, yes, Sakura had been able to deflect Naruto's advances. However, it was obvious to everyone that the pink-haired kunoichi's resistance was crumbling with each passing minute, and it was only a matter of time before Naruto's newfound suaveness and charm swept her off her feet. As a matter of fact, Hinata was afraid that if she didn't do something by today, it would already be too late. That was how precarious the situation had become. 

And so, Hinata started to think. She started to scheme. She started to think of ways to break up Naruto and Sakura, even if her planning was a bit premature. Resources. She needed to mobilize all of the resources at her disposal. What resources did she have? She kept a mental inventory inside her head as she quickly patted down her personal self. She had her Byakugan. Her newfound ability to see tenketsus. Her two fists. A dozen kunai and shuriken currently inside her pouch. That jar of medicinal cream which she ** always** carried around. A yoyo. Two pens (one ballpoint, one felt tip). One pencil (wooden, not mechanical). A pink square eraser. Approximately seven dollars in bills and change. A half-eaten pack of Lifesavers. A rubber band which had somehow found its way inside her jacket's pockets.

Hinata grimaced. Geez. For the first born child of the main house of Hyuuga, she sure didn't have that much stuff going for her. She looked around herself in the classroom. It was lunchtime now, and it was pretty much empty. She had come here in order to have some peace and solitude for her brainstorming session, but much to her surprise, she was not the only occupant of the classroom. That Shikamaru guy was way back there, head lying on his desk and sleeping soundly, having slept throughout the entire morning and right into lunch. Huh. What a slacker.

Hinata turned back to face the front of the empty classroom again. She already had an idea about what she wanted to do, at least. She had to figure out a way to make Naruto offend Sakura **so** much, that Sakura would be forever repulsed by Naruto and never find him attractive ever again, no matter how cool and dark and mysterious he might be. It would be a lot easier to achieve this than to achieve the vice versa situation, due to Naruto's more forgiving nature, Hinata was sure. Hence, it was the choice plan of action.

But how could she make Naruto offend Sakura? Naruto always made sure to be on his best behavior around Sakura. He would never try to do anything to offend Sakura or hurt her feelings. In a way, Hinata thought to herself, it was unfortunate that Naruto hadn't picked up some of those lecherous habits from his nasty old pervert sensei, Jiraiyasan. She was pretty sure that if Naruto ever did something perverted like, say, pinch Sakura's butt, Sakura would break his nose and blast him straight into the emergency room. But alas, Naruto would never do something like that...

A light bulb flashed above Hinata's head. No, wait a minute. That was not exactly true. Granted, Naruto would never **willingly **do something like pinch Sakura's butt. However, what if someone forced him to do it? Against his will?

Yes, yes, yes, she had seen the light! Mu ha ha ha, it was all coming together now...

Sweet Nice Hinata's benevolent face was morphing now, twisting and warping into a familiar sinister caricature. The mild forehead creased into a heavy shadowy brow. The gentle eyes became narrow venomous crevices. Her little half-smile abruptly turned downwards into a surly perpetual snarl...

She had arrived. BIG - BAD - HINATA was here to take care of business!

First things first. With a deep throated cackle, Big Bad Hinata turned around to cast her evil evil eyes once again upon the sleeping Shikamaru...

* * *

"Yawwwn!" Shikamaru yawned mightily as he lifted his head up from his desk to survey the still empty classroom. As the groggy haze of slumber lifted away from his genius mind, he blinked a couple times to wipe away the unfocused bleariness, and he smacked his lips and tongue a couple more times. "Man, it's lunch time already? I hope I still have time to go out and get something from the cafeteria." 

He blinked when he realized that Hinata was sitting in front of him. She was looking at him rather intently, which was odd, because she was usually too shy to maintain eye contact with anyone for an extended period of time. He didn't think much of it, though, as he greeted her. "Yo, what's up, Hinata."

"Hi, Sh-Shikamaru. Did you sleep well?"

Her voice was still its stammering self, he noticed, but yet, there was something different this time. Instinctively, something started to nag him in the back of his mind now, as he said, "Yeah, it was nice. I'm glad that Ankosan is pretty cool about kids sleeping in class."

"Mmm, I see." Hinata nodded. "Well, it's good that you're well-rested, because that means y-y-you will have plenty of energy when you help me accomplish my master plan. Oh, and by the way! From now on, feel free to address me as Hinatasama from now on."

"Huh?!" Shikamaru wrinkled his face at Hinata's odd words and suddenly faint hostility, and he wondered if maybe he was still dreaming. "What master plan? And why should I call you Hinatasama?"

"F-f-fu fu fu fu!" Big Bad Hinata chortled in a quavering version of Orochimaru's cackle as she held up a pink hand mirror for Shikamaru to observe. "You will call me Hinatasama from now on, because if you don't, I'll fry your brains into lumpy bits of charcoal! Fu fu fu fu!"

"What the heck!" Shikamaru gaped as he realized that he now had a Caged Bird seal imprinted on his forehead, just like Neji (you know, that swastika Nazi tattoo). "Did you do this to my forehead while I was asleep?!"

"Fu fu fu fu!" Big Bad Hinata was so delighted with her evil self, she could say nothing more as she held a hand over her mouth. "Fu fu fu fu!"

Shikamaru now realized what was going on (or so he thought). "Okay, Hinata, I get it now. This is some sort of joke, right? Kiba put you up to this, didn't he?"

Hinata suddenly glowered at him. "Oh dear, you didn't call me Hinatasama!" She sighed. "I guess I have no choice but to overcook your brains now. Don't worry, it won't hurt too much. You'll just be rolling around on the floor in agony for five minutes or so, ha ha ha haaa!"

Hinata suddenly did a hand seal as her eyes creased into evil looking Byakugan eyes! And Shikamaru flinched as he braced himself for whatever pain she had prepared for him...

Shikamaru blinked. Then he blinked again. Then he relaxed as he reached up to gingerly feel his forehead. "Am I supposed to be in pain?"

"W-w-what?!" Hinata did the hand seal again, but to no avail. For all intents and purposes, Shikamaru was perfectly fine. "It's not working? This can't be!"

Shikamaru sighed as he stood up from his desk. "Ok, Kiba, you can come out now! Shame on you for making Hinata do such a silly thing!"

"No, no, no!" Hinata yelled as she also stood up from her desk, and she did the hand seal yet again. "I did everything correctly, you're supposed to be rolling around in terrible agony as your neurons rupture into nerve endings at the cellular level! No, no, no, this can't be happening!"

Shikamaru shook his head. "Oh man, I think Kiba drugged you or something, Hinata, because you sure are acting weird - "

He suddenly stopped talking, as a loud grumbling squeal sounded from within his belly. He looked down at his tummy, as did Hinata. "Huh? What was that - OH CRAP!" Shikamaru suddenly doubled over as he was hit by the worst case of diarrhea he had EVER experienced. "What the fuck!"

Another noxious and ominous rumble sounded from his stomach, and, still doubled over, he instantly knew that he had to find a restroom. Fast. He was already channeling every single ounce of his chakra into his sphincter muscles, and it was still a battle he could not win. He had thirty seconds, tops, before all hell literally broke loose.

Still doubled over, he awkwardly lumbered past a surprised Hinata as he said over and over in a rather appropriate choice of words, "Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap!"

Hinata turned to watch him hustle out of the classroom and into the hallway, and she heard his voice echo throughout the hallways, "OUTTA MY WAY! GET OUTTA MY WAY! COMING THROUGH, ARGH, WHAT'S GOING ON?!"

Big Bad Hinata then chuckled to herself, as she realized what had just happened. "Well, well, well, I now see what's going on. The seal did not quite have its intended effect, but nonetheless, it still does the job!" She rubbed her hands in glee now. "I guess Shikamaru is going to be my bitch after all, fu fu fu! Time to get my master plan underway!"

* * *

Ten minutes later, Big Bad Hinata was inside her brand new headquarters, which she had established inside a dark, dismal, and sinister room fitting for evil schemes (in other words, the school's basement), and she was pacing back and forth in front of her new manservant, a visibly drained and wobbly-kneed Shikamaru. 

She barked, "So, Sh-Sh-Shikamaru, you know the plan now, right?!"

"Yes, Hinatasama, I understand everything, and I will do what you ask of me." Shikamaru groaned as he closed his eyes in exhaustion. Boy, he had never having been so dehydrated in his entire life. "Oh man, why are you doing this? What's the big deal between you and Naruto?"

"None of your business!" Hinata snapped. "All that matters is that you accomplish our objective: to forever alienate Sakura from Naruto!"

"Ok, ok, whatever." Shikamaru rolled his eyes. "I get the idea."

"Oh really? I don't think y-y-you do, Shikamaru! This is nothing to roll your eyes at! I swear, Sh-Sh-Shikamaru, if you fail this mission, you are going to be spending the next week sitting on a toilet in rapid-fire mode!"

"Yikes." Shikamaru winced at the none-too-idle threat. "In that case, Hinatasama, may I make a suggestion which might increase the chances of our mission?"

Hinata glowered at him, but she managed to ask in a civil tone, "What?"

"Although I can control Naruto's body, I will not be able to control his tongue and lips. In other words, he will be able to say whatever he wants."

"Oh! I see!" Hinata nodded furiously. "This is indeed a problem! Hmm, what to do?!"

"Well, if we want to ensure that this mission runs smoothly, it would be better if he cannot speak. Otherwise, it could complicate things." Shikamaru, as always, already had a solution figured out. "And fortunately for my bowels, I have an idea on how to solve this problem."

* * *

Neji Hyuuga ambled down the sidewalk, happily humming and staring up at the beautiful blue sky. He was in a rather good mood, surprisingly enough, considering his reputation for surliness. But really, ever since his fight with Naruto during the Chuunin Exam, he had been looking at life in a different - no, brighter - shade of light... 

His keen eyesight detected a pair of familiar people just around the corner, and he raised an eyebrow at the odd couple. It was Hinatasama and... Shikamaru? No, it was not just Shikamaru. It was Shikamaru with a big rainbow-colored dunce cap sitting on top of his head?

Prodded by his curiosity, Neji was the first to start talking as the three converged onto the same point. "Greetings, Hinatasama. Greetings... Shikamaru?" Neji gave the sour-faced Chuunin a strange look. "Why are you wearing a dunce cap?"

Shikamaru merely grunted in reply, while Hinata sweetly answered, "Well, Nejisan, why don't you turn on your Byakugan and see what's underneath his cap?"

"Hmm?" An odd request. Neji shrugged and did it anyway. "Byakugan!"

His penetrating eyesight easily burrowed beyond the cheap gaudy felt of the dunce cap, and it now rested upon the previously hidden forehead of the unfortunate Shikamaru... Neji let out a gasp of horror at the familiar markings. "Hinatasama! No, you didn't!"

Big Bad Hinata cackled in delight. "Oh, but I did! I did! Fu fu fu fu!"

Neji took a closer look. "Uh, hmm... Hinatasama, you do know that the seal on his forehead isn't quite the same as mine, right? It looks like its been drawn backwards and upside down - "

"Shut up, Neji! Or perhaps you wish for me to deep fry your brains into crispy crusty finger-licking-good bat guano?!"

Neji paled at the ominous threat. "I am sorry, Hinatasama! It was wrong for me to point out the error of your ways!"

"Damn right it was. Smarty pants." Hinata huffed as she lowered her voice into a conspiratorial tone. "Now Neji, I need for you to listen up. I have a mission for you and Shikamaru..."

* * *

Lunch break had just ended, and the Dark and Mysterious Naruto happily hummed as he made his way over towards Sakurachan's locker once again. He could sense that her resistance was ebbing away, and he was almost absolutely sure that if he asked her out this time, she would say yes! Oh boy oh boy, this would be so cool - 

Someone roughly plowed into him from behind, nearly knocking him off his feet, and Naruto barked in anger, "Hey, what gives?!" He turned around to see Neji standing there with his arms crossed. "Neji! What's your problem, man?!"

Neji scowled, back to his old asshole self apparently, as he snapped, "My problem is with you, Naruto. You think that just because you have a cool cloak, you have changed. Let me tell you something, Naruto. Once a loser, always - "

"Always a loser, blah blah, yah yah yah, you told me all that crap already!" The fox boy aimed a finger at Neji's face. "If you got a problem with me, we can settle this anytime, any place!"

Neji snorted in condescension. "I see no need to stoop to your level, SHORTY."

Naruto blew up at the dig on his vertically challenged self. "Well, this shorty beat you up a couple months ago, remember?!"

"Bah. I was careless." Neji waved a dismissing hand. "Once a shorty, always a shorty. Besides, you know what they say about runts, right?"

"What do they say, you booger brain?!"

"Shorties like you have short... **tongues!**"

Naruto had been bristling in fury, but now he wore a confused look on his face. "Huh? Short tongues?"

"You head me right, loser. Shorties like you have short tongues, and you know what they say about people who have short tongues, right?"

"What?! You dirty bastard!" Naruto turned redfaced when he realized that quite a few people in the hallway were watching now, **including Sakurachan**! No way he could let Neji get away with something like that! He had to say something back!

Naruto yelled, "That's not true, Neji, and you know it! Just because I'm short, it doesn't mean that I have a short, uh, tongue!"

"Oh really? Then let's see what you have, shorty!"

Neji stuck out his tongue, and everyone gasped as the Hyuuga shamelessly showed off his rather large organ of taste. Tongue Neji smirked at the gawking Naruto, as Neji said, "How abouth thisth, shortieth? Is your tongueth as long as thisth?"

Naruto snuck a peek at Sakura, who was nervously watching Naruto, clearly afraid that her dark and mysterious studmuffin did not have a tongue as big as Neji's! Panicking now, Naruto growled as he yanked open his mouth. "Oh yeah, Neji, my tongue ain't so small either, you know! Why don't you get a load of this!"

Naruto then stuck out his also rather large tongue, and everyone gasped at the heightened tension of the tongue standoff! Naruto snuck another peek at Sakura, and he was glad to see that she was ecstatic that his tongue's size matched Neji's! Yes, he had done it! He had showed that Neji what's up!

Meanwhile, Neji's eyes had flashed, and that big glowing green ying yang circle for Hakke 64 appeared beneath the two elite genins. While the spectators squatted down to study the interesting lightshow which had suddenly appeared beneath their feet, Neji settled down into his attack stance for Hakke 64. His tongue still hanging out, Neji shouted, "Youth cannot escapeth, Narutoth! You arf in my rangeth! Hakkeshouth Rokujuuth Yonshouth!"

In a flash, Neji's left hand had seized Naruto by the tongue. And before the fox boy could even begin to utter a muddled squawk of discomfort, the Hyuuga's right hand had already riddled Naruto's tongue with 64 tenketsu-disabling strikes!

Naruto tried to yell, "What the fuck!" But unfortunately, his tongue no longer worked, due to Neji's attack! All Naruto's lips could issue was drooling meaningless gibberish that sounded roughly like, "Wabba da faah!"

Naruto then blinked, as he realized that Neji had already let go of his tongue and run off down the hallway. That Hyuuga coward! A hit and run attack, huh?! What a cheap bastard!

Then a nervous voice from behind soothed Naruto's nerves. "Naruto, are you okay? Did he hurt you?"

Naruto turned to see a worried Sakura standing behind him. The fox boy grinned to show that nothing was wrong, as he tried to say, "Oh no, of course he didn't hurt me!"

But unfortunately, due to his malfunctioning tongue, what Naruto actually said was, "Ah na, ah clah ha nana ha mah!" And to top it off, he was uncontrollably drooling now, and a few globs of spittle now splashed down onto Sakura's nose, thanks to his efforts at communication.

Sakura made a face as she wiped her nose dry. "Ewww, Naruto! Are you sure you're okay?"

* * *

Hinata and Shikamaru were watching from around the corner, and Hinata could now see that this was the opportune time to strike. She clapped a hand onto Shikamaru's shoulder, as she hissed, "Now!" 

Shikamaru nodded as he settled back and formed that familiar hand seal of his. "Kagemane no jutsu!"

* * *

Naruto was now attempting to apologize to Sakura for his errant drool, but all he ended up doing was spitting more drool onto her, and frankly, it was not making the situation any better. Sakura was becoming visibly irritated now, because even though this was Dark and Mysterious Naruto, he was also being Unbearably Gross and Disgusting Naruto. And "Unbearably Gross and Disgusting" beat out "Dark and Mysterious" ten out of ten times. 

"Naruto, what's wrong with you?!" Sakura wiped away more spittle from her nose now. "Why are you drooling onto me?"

A panicky Naruto decided that maybe he shouldn't try to talk anymore, and he tried to hold up a hand to pacify the grouchy kunoichi. But then Naruto barked in drooling shock when he realized that he could not move his arms!

Naruto tried to yell, "What the fuck is going on?!" But unfortunately, all he managed to do was spit even more onto the maddened Sakura. Then Naruto yelped as his legs suddenly started to move on their own, stiffly walking him towards the nearest wall. He began to yell even more now (at least he wasn't drooling on Sakura anymore), as he suddenly stopped in front of the wall.

And he began to lick the wall. Repeatedly. Over and over. Somehow, someway, the formerly Dark and Cool and Mysterious Naruto was licking the dusty plaster wall as if it was the world's tastiest lollipop.

Sakura gaped at the utterly disgusting act which Naruto was performing. "Naruto, why are you licking the wall?! I don't think it's sanitary to do something like that! If you're trying to show off your tongue to me, stop it, okay?! I can already see that your tongue isn't as short as Neji said it would be!"

At those words, Naruto suddenly realized that he had stopped licking the wall. The bewildered fox boy then breathed a sigh of relief - oh no! He yelped as his hips started to thrash about all over the place! What the heck was going on!

"Ayiee!" Sakura screamed in mortification as Naruto began to randomly hump the air with frantic exaggerated motions, his hips thrusting out this way and that. "NARUTO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE DOING THIS IN FRONT OF A GIRL!"

As Sakura frantically clapped one hand over her formerly virgin eyes, her other hand cocked back in a fist - KAPOW! And just like that, Naruto's wild air-humping session was abruptly ended with a rocket to the face that sent him flying into the wall which he had just cleaned with his tongue.

Ino rushed forward to comfort her poor violated friend, and while Sakura screamed and cried into Ino's arms, Naruto found himself scrambling to his feet for even more! Naruto screamed, "Noo, what's happening to me - NOOO! NOOOOO!" Naruto's eyes bulged in horror as his hand stuck out in front of him, the two forefingers spread out like claws and ready to pinch its prey. He fought with all of his might to pull his hand back into the realms of decency, but alas, he could not; the power of Kyuubi was no match for Shikamaru's adrenalin-boosted desperation to preserve the intactness of his bowels.

And so, Naruto began to walk towards his death. With his hand outstretched, he slowly made his way towards the sobbing Sakura and the motherly Ino. The fox boy was visibly shaking and trembling, Kyuubi orange chakra gushing all over the place as he struggled to free himself from whatever had seized him. However, just around the corner, an equally sweaty and trembling Shikamaru would not be denied as he forced Naruto to edge closer to certain doom, Shikamaru periodically casting terrified glances towards the nearby Hinata and her raised hands, which were a mere inch away from performing the activation of the Caged Bird seal upon his forehead...

Sakura bawled into Ino's chest, "Oh my god, Ino, I can't believe Naruto is being so gross to me! I only flirted with him a little bit, and now he's taking advantage of me by drooling all over me and doing all these sexual innuendo things like licking walls and humping the air - OH MY GOD, I can't believe this is happening to me! Waaaah! I didn't want this! I didn't ask for this! I don't deserve to be treated like this!"

"Now now, hush hush, Sakura, everything will be all right." Ino held her victimized friend closely as she patted a reassuring hand onto Sakura's back. "Don't worry, it's all over now NARUTO!" Ino's eyes bulged in pure unadulterated shock. "NARUTO WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

It was too late. Naruto tried to warn Sakura with one last drooling shout: "LA WAH SAKAHA CHA! LA WAH!" But alas, all he did was drool incessantly all over her back, as his pincer-like hand rushed forward to claim its victim...

* * *

Half an hour later, a mummified Naruto was being loaded into the back of a wailing ambulance. I use the term "mummified" because his thoroughly pulverized body was now encased completely inside one big bandaged body cast. Forty nine fangirls were squealing anxiously over the fall of their dark and mysterious studmuffin, and one of them was even thoughtful enough to wrap his now-tattered Akatsuki cloak around his body cast. 

"Get well soon, Narutokun!"

"I hope you feel better soon, Narutokun!"

"I'll visit everyday, Narutokun, and I'll bring you fresh flowers!"

From inside the two eyeholes (and airholes) of the body cast, Naruto could only roll his eyes, groan in feeble agony, and pass out into blissful unconsciousness as the painkillers finally took effect...

* * *

Hinata was no longer Big Bad Hinata, having reverted back a long while ago. And right now, she was feeling very bad about herself, as she surveyed the aftermath of the destruction which her big bad alter ego had wreaked. Naruto was being rushed en route to the hospital in stable yet critical condition. Shikamaru was currently getting his sprained neck looked at by the school nurse; he had not released the shadow bind in time to avoid injury, and he had suffered a serious case of whiplash when Sakura first unloaded her wrath upon the hapless Naruto. And last, but not least, a sobbing tearstained Sakura was all alone now, suffering through the post-event trauma of the violations she had suffered. 

Since Naruto and Shikamaru were unavailable at the moment, Hinata decided that maybe she should first apologize to Sakura. However, understandably enough, Hinata was not quite sure how to go about her apology. Hi, Sakura, I'm sorry that I made Naruto pinch your butt! Hi, Sakura, I'm sorry that I made Naruto drool all over you and repeatedly invade your personal space! Hi, Sakura, I'm sorry that I made Naruto perform obscene humping gestures in your general direction!

Hinata knew that there was no way Shikamaru or Neji would ever tell anyone about their little plan, because her big bad alter ego had threatened them repeatedly into silence. But still, she felt so badly for Sakura, Hinata knew that she had to approach Sakura and apologize to her. Maybe people would think worse of Hinata because of this catastrophe, but really, it was the right thing to do.

Hinata had been tailing Sakura throughout the school's hallways for quite some time now (Hinata was very good at tailing people without them noticing her, thanks to her countless Naruto-stalking expeditions), and the Hyuuga girl had almost gathered up enough courage to walk up and apologize to Sakura. But then Hinata noticed that Sakura had abruptly stopped in front of a doorway, and Hinata also stopped, wondering what was going on.

* * *

Sakura had been wandering aimlessly throughout the school, cursing boys, cursing dark and mysterious boys, cursing dark and mysterious fox boys, cursing dark and mysterious and DISGUSTING and VULGAR and CRUEL fox boys. Oh, she had learned her lesson now! She would never ever fall for a dark and mysterious boy ever again! She was through with them! Finished! No more! Nada! 

She didn't care if the boy was the darkest and most mysterious boy ever (or mysteriousest, as Stoner Itachi would say). She didn't care if a boy was incredibly dark and mysterious and crazy and wild! Such a boy would never be sexy in her eyes ever again! If she ever saw a dark and mysterious boy do something crazy and wild like smash Big Macs onto his head?! Hah! No more! She was immune! Such a feat would no longer be immensely attractive to her! Down with the dark and mysterious boys! Down with all the crazy and wild things they did!

With all these violent thoughts raging inside her charmingly wide noggin, Sakura almost didn't hear the curious racket which was emanating from a room nearby. She couldn't quite describe the cacophony of chaos which her ears now detected, but it sounded vaguely like a high-pitched musical whining accompanied by the operation of heavy machinery?

Curiosity now sweeping throughout her traumatized mind, Sakura turned her head to look through the open doors of a nearby gym room. And at the sight of the awesome spectacle before her, she could not help but gasp in excitement and blush like all get out.

The dark and mysterious Shino Aburame was in the middle of the room, and he was calmly bouncing up and down on a pogo stick and blowing repeatedly on a neon orange kazoo which he had nestled inside his lips. Not only that, he was also wearing a blindfold over his sunglasses, juggling seven live gasoline-operated chainsaws at once, and scratching the inside of his left calf with his right foot in between pogo jumps!

Sakura clasped her hands over her chest, struggling in vain to still her rapidly beating heart as her wide green eyes admired the incredibly captivating display of wildly sexy manliness before her. Now, normally the pogo stick and neon kazoo alone would be crazy and wild enough to drive any girl into paroxysms of rabid fangirl adulation. But when you added on the chainsaw juggling act while blindfolded and scratching the inside of a leg with his other foot?!

Needless to say, it was love at first sight.

Shino did not notice Sakura's doting eyes at first, but after half a minute, he finally felt the girl's eyes roving all over him, and he turned his head to coolly nod to her in acknowledgment. In between kazoo toots, he greeted her in that dark, mysterious, and sexy voice of his: "Hello, Sakurasan. How are you?"

Sakura madly blushed at the simple little gesture, and she waved back, shouting over the racket of the chainsaws: "I am fine, Shinosan! How are you?!"

"I am fine, thank you for asking. Hold on for a minute. I am almost done with my training."

Sakura nodded, watching in rapture as Shino continued his training exercise for another minute or so. And then, still juggling the chainsaws and bouncing on the pogo stick, he bent his head down to drop the kazoo from his mouth into the chest pocket of his big ass blue coat (goosebumps were now elicited from her neck). He then jumped off the pogo stick, letting it fall to the ground with a clatter as he continued to juggle the chainsaws, maneuvering the dangerous devices so that they followed his backstep (even more goosebumps now). And then, finally and insanely enough, he caught all seven chainsaws one by one, somehow snagging each of them by their plastic handles until he had all seven chainsaws dangling and roaring from one outstretched hand (a veritable mountain range of goosebumps had now spread all over her body due to the sheer craziness of it all).

While Shino proceeded to turn off the chainsaws one by one, Sakura knew it. Her whole body knew it, from the depths of her heart to the marrow inside her bones. She had found her one true love. She had found her soulmate. Shino was the one.

And yet, she was still so shy, as she murmured, "Shinosan, that was a very, um, impressive training exercise!"

Shino nodded as he took off his blindfold. "Thank you, Sakurasan. That exercise is part of a secret training regimen devised by the Aburame clan throughout the years."

Sakura raved, "That was so awesome and cool! I never thought that anyone could do something as crazy and wild as that!"

The dark and mysterious bug boy seemed to shrug, although his shoulders did not budge an inch. "Actually, Sakurasan, that was only the warmup exercise. The main part of the regimen is far more grueling than what you witnessed just now."

There was even more?! Sakura was almost beside herself now, her head swimming with mind-boggling infatuation as she managed to croak, "That is so wonderful, Shinosan! I never knew you could do such things!"

"Hmm. Well, not many people know about these exercises, since they are a clan secret."

"Oh, they are a clan secret?! I'm so sorry, I shouldn't be watching!" Sakura hastily turned to go. "I'll leave you alone now, Shinosan! I'm so sorry that I watched part of your secret training! I couldn't help it, I was just curious about the noise - "

"I don't mind if you watch."

Sakura instantly turned around, face blotching in heated eagerness as she almost yelled, "You don't?!"

"Not at all." Shino had put his blindfold back on, and he was picking up the chainsaws from the ground again as he headed towards a pull-up bar. "It would be my pleasure if you watched me train."

"Oh my god!" Inner Sakura was squealing in excitement. "He's flirting with me! The totally dark, mysterious, crazy, wild, and superhot Shinosan is flirting with me! He wants me to watch! Omigod, Sakurachan, I think you've hit the jackpot with this guy!"

She then heard Shino firing up the chainsaws once again, and she realized that Shino was now doing a different exercise that was even more crazy and wild than before! With his blindfold on, he was using his tongue to do pullups, his hands to juggle the chainsaws once again, and his hips were hula hooping with a hula hoop in mid air!

Needless to say, Sakura almost fainted from the sheer hotness of it all, but she managed to keep herself conscious as she forced her trembling self to sit down and watch as calmly as she could... and as she watched him do his pullups and juggling and hula hooping, she couldn't help but notice in giddy glee: "Omigod, Shinosan's tongue is absolutely **huge**!"

* * *

As Sakurasan watched Shinosan train, Hinata was watching from around the corner, happily smiling despite herself. Maybe there was a happy ending to this disaster after all? Sakurasan was clearly enjoying herself... Shinosan was clearly enjoying himself... unlike Sakura's previously rocky relationships with Sasuke and Naruto, Hinata had a feeling that things would work out between Sakurasan and the ever solid and steady Shinosan... 

Although today's events had been nothing short of a massive catastrophe, Hinata had a feeling that somehow, someway, everything had turned out all right. If Sakurasan and Shinosan hooked up, not only would the two of them be happy, it would leave a clear and open path for her and Narutokun! Ah, yes, she and Narutokun... Hinata happily sighed as she watched Shinosan do his pullups, the Hyuuga girl already making plans to visit Narutokun at the hospital...

Hinata had to admit one thing, though. She found Shinosan to be pretty darned hot while he did those crazy exercises of his...

* * *

While Hinata, Sakura, and Shino happily did their thing, a sullen and depressed fox boy lay inside his body cast on top of a hospital bed, mulling over his utterly ruined chance at Sakurachan... 

A low monotone voice drifted over his hospital bed. "Hey kid. Wassup dude."

Naruto's eyes flickered in recognition from within the eyeholes of the body cast, as he moaned, "Hi, Itachisan... how you doing..."

The elder Uchiha dragged up a chair to the bedside. "Duuude. What happened to you?!"

"I don't know what happened. I don't want to talk about it." Naruto's voice was about as lifeless as could be. "Itachisan, I think I've made up my mind."

The Sharingan eyes narrowed in anticipation, as Itachi slowly asked, "Whaddya mean, little man?"

"Sakurachan hates me now. She totally hates me. I don't think I have any shot at her anymore." The fox boy heaved a sad sigh. "I've got nothing here in this village, Itachisan. I got no reason to stay... I want to leave. I want to leave and join Akatsuki."

Itachi's eyes fairly gleamed now with a disturbing glow. "Not a problem, dude. You won't regret it, man, I can promise you that."

"Yeah, well..." Naruto heaved another sigh. "I don't care about regrets. I just want to get out of here."

"Sounds good to me, man! Hey, this calls for a celebration!" Itachi looked around briefly to make sure that the snoopy worrywart Kurenaisan wasn't trailing him or spying on him, and he pulled out a champagne bottle from his jacket. "Drink?"

Naruto blinked from inside his eyeholes. "Uh, Itachisan? Am I old enough to drink that stuff?"

Itachi was appalled by the question. "Dude, if you're man enough to leave the village of your own free will, you're man enough to drink some freaking grape juice!" Itachi produced a straw from his jacket, thoughtfully wiped it against his pants leg to make sure it was clean, and then poked it through one of the airholes inside Naruto's body cast. "You got the straw in your mouth, kid?"

"Mmm." Naruto nodded from inside his body cast and used his lips to wiggle the straw about.

"Cool. Drink up, man! A toast to the newest member of Akatsuki!" Itachi popped the champagne bottle, poured some "grape juice" into a cup, and stuck the straw into the cup...

While Naruto sucked in fluids from a straw (he was used to it by now, the nurse had fed him his dinner in the exact same manner), Itachi guzzled down half the bottle in one giant swig... just two members of Akatsuki sharing a quiet moment and a drink...

CHAPTER ENDS

Notes: Holy moly, the insanity of it all! Naruto has decided! He is going to join Akatsuki! Does Hinata realize what she's done?! Will Shikamaru ever free himself from Hinata's grasp?! Stay tuned for the next chapter...

You may have noticed, this chapter had a lot more attempts at actual prose than the previous ones, and that is because I am getting out of my writer's block funk. It's amazing how much more freely I can write when I don't have schoolwork hanging over my head. When I finish this insane fic in the near future (it has probably two or three short chapters left), I will definitely get back to my Butterflies story, since that one is more fitting for actual prose... I also shamelessly borrowed my ShinoSakura idea from my Butterflies story, mostly because the thought of Shino doing all that crazy stuff makes me laugh. Oh, and a word of warning: **do not attempt to juggle chainsaws while bouncing on a pogo stick.** Just trust me on this one, okay? Only cool pimps like Shino can get away with stuff like that.

Oh, and keep up the reviews, people! I luuuv reviews! :-)


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